


The World Turned Upside Down

by botiot



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Aromantic, Asexuality, Depression, Fluff, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, discovering oneself, i'm not sure but i'm going to tag it just in case, it's cute i promise, lol, what did you expect this is me we're talking about here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-09
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2018-09-07 13:00:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 26,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8801764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/botiot/pseuds/botiot
Summary: Hanamaki knows that he's never really been what people would call 'normal', but that's okay because his friends aren't normal either.Hanamaki thinks he has himself all figured out: he's seijoh's number 3, volleyball player and best friend to Oikawa, Iwaizumi, and Matsukawa, the guy they can all count on to relieve the tension in a tough situation and listen to their problems when they most need it. Except when Hanamaki starts having problems of his own, he slowly begins to realise that he might not be exactly who he thinks he is.





	1. His shot

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Your_Friendly_Neighborhood_Pigeon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Your_Friendly_Neighborhood_Pigeon/gifts).



> ~i have been dragged into matsuhanaiwaoi hell and it's your^^ fault~  
> pls go check out their fics because they're all amazing and beautiful and ugh i could rant about them all day

It was weird sometimes how fast things could change.

All it takes is one moment, and the course of your life can be altered irreparably in a split second. A turning point that throws everything you’ve known out of the window and flips your world upside down. These moments can be beautiful, words whispered under stars and hands intertwining; they can be horrifying, tearing unseen wounds into aching hearts and drawing tears from the very depths of souls.

In Hanamaki’s case, however, it was just plain stupid.

They were watching a movie. At least, that’s what they were supposed to be doing, but for some reason Oikawa insisted on breaking the comfortable silence with dumb questions every so often, maybe to ensure they weren’t too invested in what was happening on screen, or to remind everyone just how annoying his voice sounded. Hanamaki was sure it was the latter.

This particular question came about towards the climax of the movie, where the characters had finally kissed after prolonged sexual tension that had added at least five years to Hanamaki’s life, followed by a sex scene that no one wanted to see and lasted far too long for everyone involved. Yeah, it was that kind of movie. Which is to say, a shitty one.

Thankfully, Oikawa was there to keep things interesting, “Of the four of us, who do you think the worst kisser would be?”

His question was mostly directed at Matsukawa, who was stretching his legs out on Oikawa’s lap as they shared one half of the sofa. Hanamaki and Iwaizumi were squeezed on the other half, Hanamaki practically sitting in Iwaizumi’s lap just so they could all fit on.

Matsukawa’s answer was almost instantaneous, “Makki.”

Hanamaki glared at him with an open mouth, affronted at the speed and certainty of his answer, “Excuse you, I’m a great kisser.”

“Oh please, you’ve never dated anyone, how can you be a good kisser?” Iwaizumi grumbled from underneath him.

“Your input is neither needed nor appreciated, _Iwa-chan_.” Hanamaki sneered, glaring at the boy beneath him, “And I’ll have you know that whilst I have not dated anyone I have, in fact, kissed people.”

“Oh really?” Matsukawa drawled sarcastically.

“Yup. And the feedback was overwhelmingly positive thank you very much.”

“And yet you still can’t land a date.” Oikawa said, grinning.

“Tragic.” Iwaizumi mumbled.

“Um, I believe the question was who is the worst kisser, not who’s the least datable. We all know that’s Mattsun.”

“Ouch.”

“You know it’s true.”

“Then who’s the _most_ datable?” Oikawa said, frowning.

“Iwaizumi.” Both Matsukawa and Hanamaki answered at the same time.

Oikawa glanced at Iwaizumi next to him, nodding appreciatively, “Good point.”

“I’m both flattered and very uncomfortable at the same time.”

“You’re welcome.”

“So where does that leave you Makki?” Matsukawa said, tipping his head to the side and grinning.

“That’s easy, I’m the funniest.”

There was a slight pause as each of them considered his statement.

“Hmmm…”

“Well, that’s debatable-”

“I mean, you're more of an acquired taste-”

Hanamaki glared at all of them, “Just shut up and let me have this one, okay?”

“Well what’s Oikawa then?”

“Most attractive.” Iwaizumi said somewhat begrudgingly. The other three stared at him.

“Iwa-chan!” Oikawa shrieked, throwing his arms around Iwaizumi and poking Hanamaki in the eye in the process.

Hanamaki’s whines of pain went ignored as Oikawa continued to shriek, and Iwaizumi gradually began to regret complimenting him as he tried to detach Oikawa’s arms from around his neck, “I take it back.”

“It’s too late now!”

Mattsun observed the whole situation from a somewhat safe distance, save for Oikawa’s leg kicking against his thigh, “Please don’t kill each other.” He muttered with amusement.

“No promises.” Iwaizumi grumbled, finally succeeding in shoving Oikawa away from him.

“Okay so, if Oikawa’s the most attractive, Iwaizumi’s the most datable, and I’m the funniest, then where does that leave you Mattsun?”

Matsukawa smirked, “Why, I’m the best kisser of course.”

“Is that so?” Hanamaki mused, an idea slowly forming in his head.

“Yes it is.”

“Requesting permission to test that hypothesis?”

Matsuakwa grinned, “Granted.”

Hanamaki crawled over Oikawa on his hands and knees - matching Matsukawa’s expression with a lazy grin of his own - whilst Oikawa scrambled for his phone, insisting he had to document this historic moment. Iwaizumi just shook his head, no longer surprised by the group’s antics.

“Prepare yourself.” Hanamaki muttered, leaning ever closer, “Because I happen to be a fantastic kisser.”

Matsukawa snorted, “I’ll be the judge of that.” He said, tipping himself forward to meet Hanamki in the middle.

In the entire time they’d known each other, Hanamaki could not say that he’d ever imagined kissing Matsukawa. It’s not that he was entirely opposed to the idea - Matsukawa was one of his closest friends, and he cared about him deeply, but _kissing_? It was a whole new field, especially considering the fact that he may have embellished a little when he’d told the others he’d kissed people. He hadn’t kissed very many people…or… _any_ people for that matter. But kissing Matsukawa…he actually liked it. He enjoyed the way his chest seemed to lift and his head became comfortable cloudy, like a slow mist had settled around it. And Matsukawa wasn’t kidding either, he was indeed a good kisser, and Hanamaki found himself subconsciously leaning in for more the longer it went on.

He didn’t want to stop, but when they eventually parted for breath, both of them found themselves just staring at each other as they slowly recognised what was happening. Hanamaki felt his pulse racing in his ears and a blush rising in his cheeks as he realised that _holy shit did he want to do that again_. He saw Matsukawa’s usually-droopy eyes blown wide and a matching blush gracing his cheeks as well as the shy smile sitting quietly on his lips and knew that he wasn’t the only one who was strangely affected by that kiss.

He was unsure as to what exactly he should do now. Did he go back to sitting with Iwaizumi? He didn’t want to. If he was honest he wanted to kiss Matsukawa again, but he didn’t want to make him uncomfortable either. Did he ask? Was that what you were supposed to do in these situations?

Mastukawa clearing his throat startled Hanamaki from his thoughts, “Hey Makki…?”

“Yeah?” He replied, somewhat terrified.

“I’m sorry if this seems sudden,” He said ever so quietly, “But do you wanna…maybe…date?

Hanamaki couldn’t seem to stop the smile that crawled onto his face, “If it means we get to do that again, then definitely.”

Matsukawa’s eyes practically lit up, “Really?”

Hanamaki pressed in for another kiss in answer, which Matsukawa returned eagerly, and was completely ready to lose himself in the beauty of the moment. Except he had forgotten one crucial detail. Namely: Oikawa. How he had forgotten the idiot was even in the room he had no idea - put it down to Mattsun’s incredible kissing skills maybe - but oh boy was he brought harshly back to reality when Oikawa began yelling in his ear.

“Oh my God, you guys! Did you just get together?! Was that all it took?! If I’d have known that I would’ve made you kiss ages ago, holy crap!”

“Oikawa what exactly are you blabbering on about?” Matsukawa sighed, rolling his eyes, but smirking all the same.

“Oh come on, the sexual tension between you two has been building for _ages_.”

“What sexual tension?” Hanamaki said, frowning. Matsukawa laughed.

“Iwa-chan and I made a bet on how long it would take you to get together.”

“I would just like to add that that is not true.” Iwaizumi said, leaning around Oikawa, “Congrats by the way.”

“Okay well it was me and Yahaba, but _still_! I’m so happy for you guys!” He said, throwing his arms around the both of them and squeezing hard. The two of them laughed and returned the gesture, bemused but touched all the same. “I have the whole thing on video if you want to play it at your wedding or something.”

“Slow down Oikawa we’ve literally been dating five minutes.” Matsukawa chuckled, snaking an arm around Hanamaki’s shoulders and pulling him closer. It wasn’t like it was unusual for them to touch, but the way Matsukawa seemed a bit hesitant and yet tender at the same time made heat rise in his cheeks. Hanamaki hid his blush in Matsukawa’s chest. Dating. They were _dating_. Why did that sound so weird to him?

Oikawa tumbled off the two of them and threw himself back into Iwaizumi’s lap, much to the latter’s disgust, “Hope you don’t want your seat back Makki because it’s taken.” He said, stretching out across Iwaizumi’s legs and trying to hook his arm around his neck whilst Iwaizumi used all of his strength to push Oikawa onto the floor. He propped his feet up on the fallen body and ignored Oikawa’s squawks of protest as he refocused on the movie.

“Nah.” Hanamaki muttered, tentatively settling against Matsukawa and praying he couldn’t hear his racing heartbeat, “I’m good here.”

It really was crazy - _insane_ , really - to think that no less than five minutes ago they’d merely been friends, and now they were boyfriends. Hanamaki would be lying if he said he wasn’t excited to head forward into his new relationship, especially given that it was with Matsukawa of all people, but the thing is, he was also scared. Actually, he was terrified. It had all happened so suddenly, and he didn’t want his first relationship to be a heat-of-the-moment sort of thing, he wanted to do it properly…except he didn’t know how. He had no idea what he was doing, and he was so afraid of doing something wrong that he was almost hesitant to go forward with it. Except he really _wanted_ this. He _wanted_ to kiss and hold someone whenever he felt like it, he wanted to buy someone flowers and watch their face light up with joy when he walked into the room, and when he started fitting Matsukawa into those situations, all he could do was smile, because he really liked the look of that future.

“Mattsun?” Hanamaki said quietly.

“Mmm?”

Hanamaki wondered how he should word his thoughts, “If this doesn’t work…I don’t want things to change.”

Matsukawa nodded, and Hanamaki thanked their infallible years of friendship for Mattsun’s understanding, “I know.” he replied, smiling down at him, “Let’s just start off slow, okay?”

Hanamaki smiled back before turning back to the movie, trying to calm the fluttering in his heart.

“Hey Makki.”

“Yeah?”

“How long do you think it’ll take them to get together?” Matsukawa whispered, nodding in the direction of their squabbling company.

“Two months.”

“Three.”

“You’re on.”

Well, maybe some things would never change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh yeah, i now have an art and fics blog??? so if you want to yell at me about haikyuu feel free to hmu @botiot on tumblr


	2. What comes next?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hanamaki begins to contemplate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter in under two weeks what is this
> 
> I may or may not be really excited to continue with this fic. It's pretty personal to me and deals with a lot of the feelings i find myself dealing with so i like writing about it. idk why i chose hanamaki to be the object of torment in this fic but i've started so now i'm going to finish sorry makki you're in for a ride my friend.
> 
> This chapter is more of a filler than anything else and i'm sorry for that but it's very necessary to the development of this fic. The next one and will most likely be a filler as well but after that it will get way more interesting i promise.

It quickly became clear to Hanamaki that he was actually terrible at being a boyfriend.

He forgot about dates, he leaned away in surprise when Matsukawa pressed in for a kiss, and he got flustered as soon as they so much as held hands. He was beginning to think that he should replace Matsukawa as the least datable of their group, especially considering how Mattsun simply laughed at Hanamaki’s idiocy and told him he loved him anyway. He was so smooth and suave and so at ease in their relationship that Hanamaki almost envied him. He was constantly assuring Hanamaki that it was okay if he needed a little time to adjust, but it’d been two weeks now, and he still felt awful for fucking up all the time. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be all romantic and stuff - he secretly _lived_ for all that sappy shit, not that he would mention it to anyone, ever - it was more that he was finding it difficult to transition from friends to…something more. They still joked and laughed like they used to, and they still hung out with Iwaizumi and Oikawa as often as they used to, but now there was a lot more kissing and cuddling involved. It felt very odd to him, but he simply put it down to this being his first relationship, and it being a completely new experience. He’d get used to it eventually, he was sure of it.

“I’m sorry.” Hanamaki sighed for the hundredth time, “I didn’t mean to fall asleep…again.”

Matsukawa chuckled, pulling him closer as they curled up against each other on Hanamaki’s sofa, “It’s fine.”

“No it’s not.” He said, shifting so that he could look him in the eye, “I keep doing this to you and I hate it. Plus, you _really_ wanted to see that new Star Wars movie.”

“And I keep telling you, it’s fine.” Matuskawa replied, smiling, “I’m just glad I get to spend time with you. Also, Oikawa would’ve killed us if we’d seen it without him.”

“That’s true.” Hanamaki sighed again, sitting up and looking at his boyfriend with apologetically, “Do you want to marathon the other Star Wars movies instead?”

He knew by Matsukawa’s smile just how pleased he was at the suggestion, “You know me too well.”

“I’ll go get some popcorn, DVDs are on the shelf.”

Hanamaki clambered off Matsukawa’s lap and padded to the kitchen, rummaging through his cupboards for the popcorn stash he kept stocked for whenever they had an impromptu movie night like this one. He threw two bags unceremoniously into the microwave, setting the timer and humming to himself as he started pulling bowls from the cupboard: his own favourite polka-dotted blue one, and a black and white striped one for Mattsun. Ordinarily they’d share, but a recent discovery that Hanamaki preferred salty popcorn whilst Matsukawa preferred sweet had led to them having to spilt their shares of popcorn so they didn’t cause an uproar. 

Hanamaki swivelled around on his heel as he waited for the popcorn to cook, and nearly fell over when he saw Matsukawa staring at him from the doorway with a dopey grin on his face. Hanamaki stopped humming immediately, turning back around and glaring at the glowing green numbers on the microwave in embarrassment.

“Makki, can I ask you something?” Came Matuskawa’s voice from the doorway.

He drummed his fingers on the counter, throwing a cheeky glance at Matsukawa and smirking a little, “You just did.”

Matsukawa rolled his eyes, “Can I ask you something else?”

“Again, you literally just did.”

“For fuck’s sake Makki, stop being difficult.” Matsukawa said, smiling fondly at him all the same.

“Sorry, sorry, what is it?” He laughed, just as the timer alerted him that the popcorn was finished. He carefully pulled the bags out and opened them, trying to ignore the heat pushing at his fingertips as he tipped them gently into their bowls one at a time.

“Why did you kiss me?”

Hanamaki paused in the middle of pouring his popcorn, “…What?”

“Back before I asked you out, why did you kiss me?”

“What are you talking about?” He said, frowning as he abandoned his popcorn and turned back towards Matsukawa.

“I mean, you never seemed interested in doing anything romantic before, and then you suddenly asked if you could kiss me, it seemed a bit random.” Matsukawa explained, slowly ambling closer and reaching out to grasp Hanamaki’s hand almost absent-mindedly.

He smiled softly, “Are you complaining?”

“No, I’m just curious I guess.”

“Well…I just wanted to see what it was like.” He answered. his frown reappearing as he thought it through. He supposed he didn’t really have a proper reason, he’d just followed his instincts. 

“And what was it like?”

“Beautiful.” 

He didn’t say it to be romantic or cute or to make Matuskawa blush on purpose. It was simply the first word that popped into his head whenever he went back to that moment (but maybe he had spent hours replaying that kiss over and over in his head, analysing how it felt - how _he_ felt about it - and had always come up with the same answer every time). But Matsukawa _did_ blush, and he now he wished he had said it on purpose because his look of shock and sheepishness as he smiled down at his shoes was probably the best thing he had seen today.

“Can I ask you something in return?” Hanamaki asked, tentatively stepping closer.

“Sure.” Matsukawa looked up at him again, stupid smile still fixed to his face.

“Why did you ask me out?”

Matsukawa snorted, “Oh please, I’ve had a crush on you for like a year now.”

“…What?”

“What?”

“WHAT?!” Hanamaki took a step back, utter disbelief plastered all over his face.

“ _What_?” Matsukawa repeated, trying to hold back laughter.

“What the FUCK Mattsun?! Why didn’t you say anything?”

Matsukawa shrugged, casually slipping his hands into his pockets, “I thought you knew.”

Hanamaki’s disbelief rose still further, “You thought I _KNEW_?! And you were toatlly _okay_ with that?”

“Yeah, I thought you’d figured it out but didn’t say anything because you were too polite and didn’t want to make things awkward. If you weren’t going to say anything neither was I so…” He shrugged, as if his confession didn’t even matter anymore. 

“Oh my god, now I feel like a total fucking idiot.” He whined, burying his face in his hands. 

“Don’t, it’s fine.” Matsukawa said, gently prying Hanamaki’s hands away from his face and laughing at his scowl, “Oikawa probably would’ve said something eventually anyway.”

“Oikawa _knew_?!”

Matsukawa raised an eyebrow, “You’re surprised that _Oikawa_ knew about _gossip_ between two of his closest friends? _Really_?”

“At least tell me Iwaizumi didn’t know either.”

Matsukawa smiled coyly, “Iwaizumi was the first to figure it out.”

“God fucking dammit, am the _only_ _one_ who didn’t know anything about this?”

“Pretty much yeah.”

“I’m such an idiot.” Hanamaki mumbled to himself. He let Matsukawa laugh for a few more seconds before hitting him not-so-gently on the arm to shut him up and refocus his attention on the popcorn. Matsukawa grinned and pecked him on the cheek as he picked up his full bowl and wandered back into the living room. 

Fighting down a smile, Hanamaki followed.

***

Matsukawa’s words stuck with him for a long while afterwards. 

He tried not to think about it too much, but in the quiet hours of the night when sleep eluded him, or when he was by himself with little on his mind, he found himself drawn back to what he’d said. 

_Oh please, I’ve had a crush on you for like a year now._

_Oikawa probably would’ve said something eventually anyway._

_Iwaizumi was the first to figure it out._

How had he not noticed?

Hanamaki knew that he wasn’t the most observant person, but he wasn’t completely vapid either. He tended to pay special attention to things he cared about, especially if those things involved people who were close to him. So when Matsukawa had told him that he’d had a crush on him for an _entire year_ and Hanamaki had known _absolutely nothing_ about it, he’d been shocked to say the least. Normally, he was great at figuring out stuff like that. He _always_ knew when people liked him (not that there had been many occasions, admittedly), but he’d somehow managed to be completely clueless about Matsukawa’s feelings. Hanamaki was almost angry at himself for missing something so important to both his and Matsukawa’s happiness.

“You just weren’t looking for it.” Oikawa said, shrugging when Hanamaki brought it up to him over lunch. Matsukawa and Iwaizumi had stayed behind to study for a while before joining them, so he’d decided to use the opportunity to voice his concerns, see what Oikawa the (self-proclaimed) love expert had to say about them, “I mean, you and Mattsun were best friends and obviously that would take preface over your ideas of romantic feelings towards him. I doubt you even stopped to consider the possibility of dating him.”

_Doesn’t seem like you have the same problem,_ Hanamaki thought bitterly, scowling as Oikawa smiled down at his phone as a new text arrived and suppressed a giggle for the umpteenth time since the conversation had started.

“How did Matsukawa know then?” He pressed, leaning forward to grab Oikawa’s attention.

“Know what?” Oikawa said, looking up from reading Iwaizumi’s text message with an almost dopey expression on his face. How he still managed to look attractive whilst simultaneously looking completely lovestruck and ridiculous Hanamaki had no idea. 

“How did he know that he…liked me.” 

“Aww Makki, still so shy~” Oikawa teased.

“Shut up.” He sighed, “Just answer my question.”

“Okay look, I can’t claim to know everything about how Mattsun feels…but I guess I do have some idea.” He said, and Hanamaki nearly missed the uncertain, almost _embarrassed_ glance Oikawa threw his way. _Oh yeah I bet you do_ , Hanamaki thought, “I think it had more to do with what Mattsun _felt_ more than what he was thinking.”

“What do you mean?”

He seemed to think for a moment, pausing and fixing Hanamaki with a look that made him feel like he was being analysed and looked at fondly at the same time, “When he looks at you I guess he feels something different than he does than he looks at the rest of us. And somewhere along the way he realised that you make him happier than the rest of us do, and that…he loves you.”

There was that word again: _happiness_. Hanamaki had been thinking about it so often he wasn’t even sure he knew what it meant anymore.

Oikawa gazed at him with a wistful expression, and Hanamaki began to get the feeling that he wasn’t talking about him and Matsukawa anymore.

“So why didn’t that happen to me?” He asked, more to himself than anyone else.

Oikawa frowned, “It did, didn’t it?”

“Huh? When?”

“When you kissed Mattsun for the first time.”

He pursed his lips, thinking about Oikawa’s suggestion. Was it feelings that had pushed him to ask Matsukawa for the kiss that had started it all? He hadn’t thought so at the time…had he even felt anything at all? He must have. There must have been a reason he’d wanted to kiss Matsukawa that day, surely. So something deep inside him must have realised feelings his own conscious mind hadn’t yet noticed, and had pushed him to make a move…right?

A peck on the top of his head startled him out of his intense contemplation, and he twisted round to see Matsukawa sliding into the seat next to him.

“Hey.” He greeted, “You okay? You seemed pretty deep in thought.”

He didn’t answer Matsukawa’s question immediately, taking a moment to really look at his boyfriend for a second, to appreciate exactly what he had. How did he feel when he looked at Mattsun’s tousled curls, and his wide, lazy grin, and his eyes that were droopy yet alive with emotions if you only looked close enough? He couldn’t find an answer.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He replied, looking away to see Oikawa staring at the two of them, an unidentifiable expression fixed to his face before Iwaizumi arrived, drawing out Oikawa’s smile as he plopped down into the adjacent seat. 

“Iwa-chan! How was studying?”

Iwaizumi scowled, “Horrible.”

“Aw, does Iwa-chan need some help from Oikawa-sensei?”

“Shut the fuck up Oikawa, not everyone is as naturally smart as you are.”

Oikawa drew in a fake gasp, “Was that a compliment?”

“Did I say smart? I meant obnoxious.”

Matsukawa laughed, slinging an arm around the back of Hanamaki’s chair as he watched the conversation with amusement. Hanamaki found himself staring at him again, observing the way his hair moved when he laughed and his dimple pushed into his cheek as it lifted in a grin. 

_Warm_.

That was it, he realised. When he looked at Matsukawa he felt warm, a cosy feeling that spread from his chest and moved through his body like water. He felt lighter somehow, like he was suddenly able to do all the things he told himself he couldn’t, just because Matsukawa was sitting beside him. 

And when he turned to the other two, saw their bickering and their hidden affection and their accidental touches as they brushed against one another, somehow, he could have sworn he felt even lighter. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: botiot


	3. Wait for it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a bit long oops  
> not entirely happy with it but oh well

Oikawa has come to realise over the past few months that he really hates it when his close friends get into a relationship. Not because he’s mean and doesn’t want them to find happiness - he’s not _that_ bad for god’s sake - but because they’re like a constant reminder of what he can never have. And Hanamaki and Matsukawa do make a cute couple he has to admit, but he can’t help feeling jealous of them whenever they’re around. Well, maybe jealous wasn’t the right word, he was happy for them, he just wished he could have something like that too. Envious? Wistful? Something along those lines. It doesn’t really matter, the point is, he is very dissatisfied with his current situation. i.e. being single. i.e. he really wants to be in a relationship. i.e. he has a huge fucking crush on his best friend but he’s too much of a coward to ask him on a date and Hanamaki and Matsukawa flaunting their perfect friends-to-lovers relationship in his face - however unintentional - is very annoying.

But putting all of that aside, Oikawa’s situation did actually have a bright side, and that is the existence of Iwaizumi Hajime.

Oikawa had known him for twelve years, crushed on him hard for a good eight of them, and did he regret any of it? No. And by no he means: yes absolutely. There were too many incidents to count, but he remembered a particularly mortifying one when he was about ten years old. Basically, he had asked Iwaizumi on a date. Not an official one - he _was_ only ten years old - but even then he’d been dead serious about the possibility of maybe kissing him at some point. And, to his credit, he actually had. Brave little Tooru had summoned up all his courage and pecked his best friend on the lips for about 0.2 seconds. Iwaizumi had carried on like nothing had ever happened, and that was the thing he regretted the most because now he knew for sure that he never stood a chance with him. 

That being said, for some unknown reason Iwaizumi had decided to stay friends with him, and honestly he was just thankful that he got to see him everyday. He would have been content with being in the same class as him and maybe speaking once or twice a year, but as fate would have it they had remained best friends throughout the entirety of their educational lives and Oikawa was still marvelling at how exactly that had come to be. Of course, he later realised that it could only be because Oikawa is the most attractive person Iwaizumi knows and is therefore - by default - the coolest person he knows, so it’s only natural that he’d want to stick around to soak up some of the fame. He was mainly marvelling at Iwaizumi’s very forward thinking at the ripe old age of ten.

Then of course, there was the bad side - which also happened to be the existence of Iwaizumi Hajime.

He was very…distracting. Oikawa found himself thinking about him half the time, and the rest of it he was scolding himself for thinking about him half the time. Even though he knew his hardcore pining was useless given Iwaizumi’s evident disinterest, he couldn’t help but watch from a distance and lament his sticky situation. It was much better when Matsukawa and Hanamaki were around, their energy was a great distraction from, well, Iwaizumi’s own distracting tendencies. Maybe that was why he was hanging around them so often, he liked the feeling he got when he was laughing at their stupid jokes and not fixating on his romantic issues.

Despite his own hopeless situation, Oikawa found himself being the go-between for everyone else’s relationship problems. For some reason Hanamaki and Matsukawa seemed to think that talking to Oikawa instead of each other would somehow magically solve all their troubles. They also seemed to think he had all the answers, which he definitely did not. He supposed he couldn’t really blame them - it’s not like he’d ever _told_ anyone about the mess with Iwaizumi, and besides, he didn’t hate it, per se - he was always ready to help out a friend - but it was getting a little frustrating.

And yet here he was, lounging on Matsukawa’s bed, listening to him vent about his boyfriend drama. He deserved an award for being so patient with this when his own love life was such a hopeless wasteland.

“Makki’s been acting really weird lately.” Matsukawa had begun, trying to sound nonchalant and casual despite bringing it up out of nowhere. 

Oikawa had glanced over at him, scooped up the volleyball Matsukawa had stolen from school and resigned himself to another uncomfortable conversation.

“Well he is dating _you_ , that’s bound to make anyone go a little crazy.” He joked.

Matsukawa rolled his eyes, “Why does no one ever take me seriously when I ask a genuine question?”

“It’s your face, it looks stupid. Kinda dopey.” Oikawa replied, setting the ball up into the air a couple of times and trying not to smile. “And I mean that in the most endearing way possible.”

“Thanks?”

“You’re welcome. Anyway, continue on with your problem or whatever.”

Matsukawa settled back in his desk chair, swirling the seat around in loose semicircles as he talked, “He keeps brushing me off when I ask to go on a date with him, and when we do hang out he just stares at me half the time, like he doesn’t even know who I am anymore. Do you think I’m pushing him too much? I thought I was taking it slow but should I be going even slower? I really don’t want to freak him out.”

Oikawa hadn’t listened to a word he’d said, “Why does everyone always come to me in these situations?” He muttered bitterly.

“What, you’re not going to offer me any sage advice? I thought you were supposed to be the relationship expert.”

Oikawa snorted, “Who said that?”

Matsukawa stopped swivelling and raised an eyebrow at him, “Uh, you did. Several times. Very loudly.”

“I said I was a _love_ expert Mattsun, not a relationship expert. There’s a difference.”

“Is there?”

“Yes. I happen to be an expert about being in love, but I know nothing about being in a relationship.” Oikawa sighed, ignoring the warning signals in his head that were telling him to shut the fuck up and stop being so pitifully pathetic.

Matsukawa leant forward in the chair, smiling like a child on Christmas…or a best friend who had just found the perfect blackmail material, “Are you trying to tell me that the dashingly handsome Oikawa Tooru has never been in a relationship?”

He caught the ball, rolled onto his stomach, and tucked it under his chin, eyes sweeping over the cute photographs and random ornaments scattered on his friend’s beside table, “It’s sad but true.” He lamented.

Matsukawa snorted, shaking is head, “And you gave Makki so much shit for the exact same thing. Iwaizumi’s right, you really are a crappy guy.”

Oikawa hid his frown in his shoulder as he looked over at Matsukawa, “I live to please Mattsun.”

Matsukawa laughed, and Oikawa felt some of the irritation wash away as he effortlessly smiled back. 

“But what about those girls who're always hanging off your arms, they’re not…?”

“Nope. Just deluded fans who got too attached to me. I’m gay as fuck anyway. ” He tipped over onto his side, curling his knees towards his chest in a foetal position and looking up at Matsukawa tentatively. He hadn’t told anyone that before. He didn’t really have to anyway, he was pretty sure everyone had already figured it out - it’s not like he was being completely covert about it. 

“I know, just checking…” 

Matsukawa paused a moment, and Oikawa could feel his eyes looking him up and down, scrutinising him. Oikawa avoided them, not wanting to show him the vulnerability he knew was hidden there. Matsukawa must have sensed that something was wrong, because he sat back abruptly in his chair and folded his arms, a disturbingly determined look on his face. 

“So tell me about this ‘being in love’ bullshit you’re supposedly great at.”

Oikawa mentally cursed his astute observations. “What?”

“Oh come on, you’re being mopey and insufferable and something’s definitely wrong, so spill.”

“There’s nothing to tell.” He said stubbornly, shuffling so he was facing away from Matsukawa. 

“Maybe a small case of _unrequited love_?” He heard Matsukawa inching his chair closer, and stole a look over his shoulder to glare at him. 

“Absolutely not.” He said firmly.

Matsukawa had that ridiculous shit-eating grin on his face, the one where he knew he was right and was being a complete dickhead about it, “Is it a certain _classmate_ of ours?”

He tried his best to deny it, even if he knew he was trying to save a sunken ship, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“A certain _Iwaizumi Hajime_ perhaps?”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

He barked a laugh, “Oh come on Oikawa I knew from the moment I laid eyes on the both of you that you’re totally in love with him. You call him Iwa-chan for fuck’s sake.”

“It’s just a childish nickname Mattsun, I was six years old when I met him.”

“Uh huh, and how old were you when you came up with the name ‘Mattsun’?”

Oikawa sat fully upright, clutching the volleyball like a comfort pillow and pouting, “What are you insinuating?”

He paused for a moment, a smirk creeping its way onto his face before he shrugged, “Just saying that you still have the mind of a six year old and that you’re definitely in love with Iwaizumi.”

Oikawa lobbed the ball at his head, scowling when Matsukawa caught it with one hand.

“So what if I am?” He practically growled, “It’s not like anything’s ever going to happen between us.”

Matsukawa seemed to soften a little. He leant forward again, carefully setting the ball to the side and laying a comforting hand on his knee, “Look, as someone who’s been in literally the exact same spot as you, I say you don’t know until you try right?”

Despite himself, Oikawa smiled, “I thought we were supposed to be discussing your relationship drama, not mine.”

“I care about Makki a lot, but I care about you guys a whole lot too.”

His smile grew even wider and he found his hand coming to rest on top of his friend’s, grateful for his support. Matsukawa always knew exactly what to say to make him feel better.

“That’s really sweet of you Mattsun, but I’m fine. I’d rather he never knew about it and stayed friends with me until the end than he find out how I feel and never speak to me again.”

“You don’t know he’ll react like that.”

“I don’t know that he won’t.”

“I do.”

“No you don’t.”

“No I’m serious, I actually do. Iwaizumi told me he’s been in love with you since we started high school.” Matsukawa said oh-so-casually, sitting back in his seat and spinning himself around a little. 

Oikawa paused, narrowing his eyes, his heart pounding at a million miles and hour at the mere suggestion of Iwaizumi’s affection. He really needed help, “Mattsun…don’t joke around like that my heart can’t take it.”

“I’m not joking, he said that to me. Followed by a list of about five reasons he believed it was never going to happen between you two, one of them being that he is convinced you are 100% straight.”

Oikawa allowed himself a moment to pause, just to sit up straight and take a few seconds to really comprehend what Matsukawa was telling him. His initial response was mostly shock, followed quickly by elation, disbelief, and finally, pure horror.

“Oh my god really?” He said incredulously.

“I know.”

“ _Really_? He thinks I’m _straight_?”

“It’s truly a new level of denseness.”

“When have I ever shown even a remote amount of interest in girls? I mean, I know I never said it outright or anything, but I thought I didn’t need to. I thought I was being _obvious_. You and Makki figured it out okay, right?”

“Yup.”

“I mean where the _fuck_ did he get that from?”

“I don’t know, maybe the hoards of girls that you keep around you like they’re your own personal bodyguards.”

He frowned at Matsukawa’s disapproving tone, “But they don’t mean anything to me! I just use them to intimidate other teams and make me look cool.”

“Well Iwaizumi doesn’t know that. And that’s a really shitty thing to do, by the way.”

Oikawa flopped back onto the bed, hiding his face in his hands and whining, “Why the fuck didn’t you _start_ by telling me that? We could’ve cut this entire conversation!”

“It was fun watching you mope.”

He uncovered his face for the sole purpose of sending Matsukawa a withering glare, although its intensity was lessened somewhat by the huge grin plastered on his face, “I hate you.”

“No you don’t.”

Try as he might, Oikawa could not hide his smile. Iwaizumi liked him.  _Iwaizumi liked him_. He took a moment to let that sink in. He imagined a thousand different scenarios in his head of him and Iwaizumi together, dating,  _in love_. He imagined kissing him, wondered what it would feel like, wondered how Iwaizumi would react. He got so lost in his imagination that it took all he had not to squeal and wriggle around like a child. He was so happy, ecstatic even, and his heart was pumping with excitement at the thought of all the possibilities that had suddenly opened up. It felt like his whole world had tipped on its head, but he was free-falling, suspended on the brink between floating and crashing to the ground, and he didn't mind one bit. He wanted this, he  _needed_ this, and now he had the chance to actually get it he could hardly stand to be without him for one more second. 

Oikawa bolted upright, hit with sudden inspirtaiton, “I have to text him.”

Matsukawa frowned, cutting through Oikawa's haze of excitement, “Woah woah woah, wait a minute, are you going to ask him out over text?”

“Yeah, why?” He said, his fingers fumbling over the screen with anticipation and nerves. 

Before he could even begin to think about composing the message Matsukawa was standing up and snatching the phone out of his hands, dangling it way up high, “No no no no no, absolutely not, no way, not happening.”

“Mattsun, give me back my phone!” He leapt towards his friend, hands scrambling for the device. Matsukawa just smirked, long arms easily yanking the phone out of Oikawa’s reach. 

“No. You guys have been in love for literal years, so you’re going to ask him out properly, and it’s going to be spectacular.”

Oikawa let his arms drop, stepping even closer and pushing into Matsukawa’s face as he fought back a smile and tried to look as threatening as possible,“Mattsun, you just told me that the love of my life likes me back, and now you want me to _wait_ to ask him out?”

“It’s your first time asking someone out, and I want it to be special for you.” Matsukawa smiled cockily, completely unfazed Oikawa’s attempt to be intimidating. 

They stared each other down for a few moments, Oikawa’s resolve and euphoria slowly leaking out of him until he found himself calming down, sighing and stepping back. 

“Fine. I’ll wait ‘till tomorrow.”

Matsukawa smiled, wide and genuine for the first time since the conversation had started, “Good.”

He handed his phone back, and Oikawa watched him pick up the volleyball from the floor and throw it to himself a few times before turning to bounce it off the wall. He started to match Matsukawa’s stupid smile, and his cheeks lifted as he thought of Mattsun’s kindheartedness. He could grin and smirk and act like he didn’t really give shit, but Oikawa knew that really, all he wanted was to see his two best friends as happy as they could possibly be.

“Hey Mattsun, come here.” Oikawa said stretching his arms out.

Matsukawa turned back to him, slowly setting the ball on the bed and tentatively stepping closer, “What?”

Oikawa pulled him into a hug, resting his forehead on Matsukawa’s shoulder and sighing, “Thank you.”

Matsukawa huffed a laugh, wrapping his long arms around Oikawa’s lean frame and leaning his head atop his hair, “Don’t kiss the messenger, save it for Iwaizumi.”

He snorted into his shoulder, “That’s not the expression.”

“Shhh it was a clever artistic decision that’s completely relevant to this situation.”

“Ha ha. Sure.”

He let a few more moments pass, just enjoying the comforting warmth of Matsukawa’s embrace before pulling back and resting his hands on his shoulders.

“We’ve been talking so much about me that we haven’t had a chance to talk about your problem. And whilst I am way more important than you I am also great at giving advice.” Matsukawa laughed, deep and husky, and Oikawa smiled at his scrunched up face. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

He shook his head, “Nah, I’m sure we’ll be fine. When you love someone you work at it, right? No matter the consequences.”

“Yeah.” He answered softly, grinning.

Maybe it was the ridiculousness of the whole situation, or the cheesy comments both of them had just made, but for some reason Matsukawa giggled, and Oikawa found himself chuckling along with him, their snorts slowly escalating into full on laughter. They leant against each other, giggling like children and collapsed to the floor, wiping tears from the corners of their eyes as they began to come back to reality.

“We’re pretty hopeless, huh?” Matsukawa said once they’d both calmed down a little. 

Oikawa rested his head against Matsukawa’s shoulder and sighed, feeling lighter somehow, “Yeah we are.”

***

He had had a whole speech planned out; a long, heartfelt spiel that listed everything he loved about Iwaizumi and all the reasons they should be together. It was supposed to be moving and dramatic, and probably one of the most romantic moments of Oikawa’s life.

Except, the minute he saw Iwaizumi striding down the hall - the minute he glanced up and locked eyes with Oikawa, the beginnings of that soft smile he reserved only for those he liked lifting onto his face - all the words in his mind dissolved into dust, and he was hit with a very sudden realisation.

He didn’t need fancy speeches or grand romantic gestures to try and convince Iwaizumi to go out with him. He didn’t need anything other than himself. Iwaizumi had seen every side of him, every up and down, every twist and turn, every nasty comment and heartfelt compliment. He’d known him for so long that there was nothing Oikawa could surprise him with, and there was nothing he could do now that would turn him away. He didn’t need to force Iwaizumi to fall in love with him, because somewhere in their long years of knowing each other, Iwaizumi had managed to do it all on his own.

So he did what felt right. He ran forwards, pushing through the crowds of sleepy-eyed school children until he drew face to face with Iwaizumi. Oikawa could see his confusion at his hastiness, his head slowly tilting to the side and eyebrows pushing downwards into a frown. With a sudden burst of confidence, he yanked Iwaizumi forward into a kiss, and he felt his body relaxing, unfurling slowly as he melted against Iwaizumi’s lips. He felt Iwiazumi freeze against him, and then gradually - hesitantly - he began to kiss back.

Oikawa was the one to pull away, heart racing, and his cheeks pink with excitement as he took in Iwaizumi’s shell-shocked expression.

“I’m gay you fucking dimwit.”

Matsukawa and Hanamaki whooped from somewhere in the background, both of them rushing forward to swamp them in a group hug, the two of them laughing and grinning uncontrollably. 

And that was the first time any of them had ever seen Iwaizumi rendered speechless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> iwaoi feeds my soul
> 
> tumblr: botiot


	4. That would be enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyo it's been a while
> 
> this whole chapter is kinda shitty and unnecessary tbh but ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

“You know, when I said ‘my parents are away everyone come over’ this was not exactly what I had in mind.” Matsukawa commented, falling back onto the sofa cushion and letting his head loll over the side so he was seeing everything upside-down. The TV screen flared with colour as the other three around him continued to stare at it intently, fingers pressing madly on the controllers in their hands and the characters whizzing about on the screen in front of them.

“You wanted us all to come to your house and expected us _not_ to play Mario Kart?” Makki’s back said from the floor in front of him, elbows sticking out and tilting gently from side to side as his Waluigi raced forward on the screen. Matsukawa heard his own controller drop to the ground somewhere beside him, but he was twelfth anyway so it didn’t really matter. 

“I expected you to play Mario Kart, the drinking game, however, was less expected.”

He wasn’t sure how it’d started, but they’d always had a habit of playing Mario Kart whenever they were at Matsukawa’s house, and maybe they’d felt the need to spruce things up a little. Originally the drinking game had been a shot whenever anyone was hit by a shell of any colour, but after the first race they’d all decided that they quite liked their livers intact so they’d changed it to just blue shells instead - plus the winner of each race was allowed to allocate any number of shots they wanted to the losers. For some reason Makki had decided to pick Matsukawa as his victim for the night because he was an asshole who was good at Matio Kart and abused his shot-allocating power by giving Matsukawa far too much to drink.

“You’re just saying that because you keep losing.” Oikawa said from somewhere to his left, matching Hanamaki’s pose on the floor with the addition of his tongue peeking out between his teeth. Matsukawa smiled at how cute he looked.

“I keep losing because I keep _drinking_ , no thanks to _somebody_.” Matsukawa glared in Makki’s general direction, even though he was somewhat aware of the fact that Makki wasn’t even facing him. He fished for his controller instead, and amused himself with trying to drive upside-down, giggling as his Wario began to careen into every single obstacle possible. 

He was normally pretty good at Mario Kart, but one drop of alcohol and suddenly all his skills went out the window, so he ended up coming twelfth or eleventh a lot. Oikawa, on the other hand, seemed to get better the more he drank, going from a bumbling seventh place at best to second or third almost every time. He wasn’t really sure how that worked, but it was entertaining to see him so enthusiastic so he wasn’t too worried about it. No matter how good he was though, he couldn’t hold a candle to Hanamaki. He was a complete master at Mario Kart - no matter the character, no matter the kart, he would win almost every single time. With that logic, he should’ve been the least drunk, but Matsukawa had started to think that he’d been sneaking shots in between the races because he was almost swaying in place and his speech was not entirely clear. 

“I’m sorry what was that? I can’t hear you over the sound of me winning.” Hanamaki responded, his knees bouncing as Waluigi sped ahead of his competitors.

“Not for long.” Iwaizumi muttered from beside him on the sofa. Oh yeah, he was here too. Alcohol tended to make him quieter and he hadn’t spoken in so long Matsukawa had almost forgotten he was here. His Dry Bowser was rolling in a steady fifth place, and had been for most of the race so there hadn’t been much cause for attention on his part, but Matsukawa appreciated his input. 

“BLUE SHELL MOTHERFUCKER!” Oikawa yelled, and Matsukawa jumped so hard his controller tumbled out of his hands and whacked him painfully in the face. He pouted, rubbing his throbbing nose as chaos ensued around him.

“OIKAWA YOU FUCKING-” 

Oikawa cackled with glee, kicking his legs up excitedly, as Yoshi weaved around the explosion and sailed into first place, “Ahahahaa suck on th- wait fuCK NO! WHO THE FUCK THREW THAT!?”

Yoshi was sent spinning off the edge, nudged into the abyss by a lowly green shell that had been thrown from somewhere behind him.

Oikawa whipped his head towards Hanamaki, and Matsukawa could practically see him fighting between kicking Makki’s ass in real life or simply beating him in the race. He settled for shuffling closer to the screen, leaning forward and slamming at the buttons with way more force than was actually necessary, “Makki I’m gonna kill you.” He muttered, glaring murderously at the screen.

As an afterthought, he nudged Makki’s shoulder roughly, sending Waliugi swerving dangerously close to the edge and Hanamaki tumbling to the side. He quickly recovered himself, and began yelling at the top of his lungs, “IT WASN’T ME OIKAWA WHAT THE FUCK.”

“E-everyone needs to stop saying ‘fuck’ its making me laugh.” Matsukawa said breathily, starting to feel uncomfortable from all the blood rushing to his head, but too lazy to do much about it.

“Well who else could’ve thrown it?” Oikawa continued, ignoring Matsukawa completely.

“I threw it.” Iwaizumi said, calmly guiding Dry Bowser around the course as three other heads turned towards him in shock. He was in first place, although how that was none of them knew. He’d probably been smart about it and taken advantage of the others’ little feud to carefully dodge around the melee and get ahead of the group. 

“IWA-CHAN HOW-” Oikawa spluttered, fumbling with the controller to catch up.

“I used the ‘B’ button.”

“FUCK.”

The two on the floor were leaning towards the screen, their yelling increasing in volume as the finish line drew ever nearer. Unfortunately it was not meant to be, and Iwaizumi crossed the finish line in first place, Oikawa in third, Makki in fourth. Iwaizumi discarded his controller the moment he finished, settling back into the sofa and drawing his hands behind his head, evidently pleased with himself. The other two shrieked in dismay, throwing their controllers to the ground and whinging loudly.

“I win. Oikawa drinks one, Makki drinks two, Mattsun you can have a break I feel bad for you.”

“I’m glad somebody loves me.” Matsukawa muttered, trying to heave himself back into an upright position and failing miserably. 

“Why do I have to drink two?!” Makki whined.

“Because you keep winning and it’s pissing me off.”

“I should’ve won that one too! The only reason I lost is because Oikawa was messing with me, which we said was against the rules!” Hanamaki argued, folding his arms and pouting adorably. Matsuakwa almost missed Iwaizumi’s lips twitch upwards slightly. 

He sighed, rolling his eyes, “Fine, Oikawa drinks another one as a penalty.”

“How is that a penalty, he gets better the more he drinks.” Matsukawa commented, an amused smile ghosting his lips as he gave up trying to sort out his uncomfortable position. 

“Then Oikawa gets a fifteen second time penalty at the beginning of the next race as well.”

“That’s so unfair!” Oikawa moaned, collapsing to the floor dramatically.

“Shoving me to put me off is unfair, Oikawa.” Makki said, scowling, “Especially considering that I didn’t do anything to you.”

“Well you needed to lose for a change.”

“Me being good at Mario Kart is not an excuse to _cheat_.”

Oikawa smirked, “It’s not cheating if it works.”

“You little shit-”

Matsukawa promptly interrupted their bickering by falling off the sofa and hitting his head on the floor with a painful _thunk_. He whined as pain exploded in his head, blocking out all other input for a few moments, until it gradually subsided into a distracting throbbing at the back of his head. 

“Ow.” He moaned, cradling his head in his hands.

Oikawa burst into laughter - pointing, and rolling onto his back as he clutched at his stomach in a truly comical display of laughing his ass off. Hanamaki, far from actually being helpful, just smirked and made some snarky comment about him deserving it for being stupid.

Iwaizumi, on the other hand, actually had the decency to look concerned as he bent down next to him and offered out a hand to help him up, “Are you okay? That was a pretty impressive sound you made there.”

“No.” He whined, “My head is killing me.”

“Where does it hurt? Can you still see okay?”

“You’re Hanamaki right? Have I ever told you how much I love you?”

“Yep, he’s fine.”

“Come on Mattsun, get up.”

Matsukawa meekly stretched out his arms and looked up imploringly at him, “Carry me.” He pleaded.

Iwaizumi glared at him, “No.”

“Please~”

“Why.” Iwaizumi deadpanned.

“Because my head actually really hurts and I don’t have the energy or the brain cells to get off the floor right now.”

Iwaizumi just barely suppressed an eye-roll, “Fine, but I’m taking you to bed.”

“Naughty Iwa-chan, at least take me to dinner first.”

“Mattsun stop flirting with my boyfriend.” Oikawa slurred somewhat lazily from the floor.

“I’ll trade you.”

“Hey!” Came Makki’s indignant shout, all the more interested now that his relationship was on the table.

“What? Iwaizumi’s willing to carry me, _and_ take me to bed, that’s far more than you’ve ever done Makki.”

“Oh shut up you five-year-olds.” Iwaizumi snapped, “I meant that you need rest if your head really hurts that badly.”

“Well, I’m not exactly opposed to the idea of a nap right now, so it’s a deal.” Matsukawa said, letting out a long yawn that he’d probably been subconsciously suppressing for a while now. 

Iwaizumi carefully bent down next to him and waited for Matsukawa to loop him arms around his neck before heaving him into his arms. He seemed to strain under Matuskawa’s weight, and stumbled a little before getting his footing, shifting his arms into a more comfortable position and setting off. Makki mumbled a barely coherent ‘goodngiht’ before shuffling over to a sleepy Oikawa, tugging a blanket off the sofa, and cuddling up next to him. It couldn’t have been the most comfortable position but Matstukawa doubted that either of them cared at this point.

“You two should probably move somewhere more comfortable.” Iwaizumi stated as he took a few careful steps around the bodies sprawled on the floor to reach Matsukawa’s bedroom. He was answered with two different mumbles of protest, neither of which were coherent enough to reply to, so Iwaizumi just rolled his eyes and said a quick goodnight over his shoulder as he left the room. 

“Jesus Christ you’re heavy.” Iwaizumi grumbled.

“It’s all muscle, trust me.” Matsukawa said, letting his head lean against his shoulder, “That, and the fact that I am a good few centimetres taller than you.”

“Mattsun, I’m already this close to dropping you because you’re so goddamn heavy, if you antagonise me I can promise you I will drop you on your ass right here.”

“Ooooo scary, Iwa-chan.”

“Okay, down you go.”

Matsukawa actually shrieked as Iwaizumi’s arms slipped away and let him tumble down onto his own bed. 

“Oh thank god.” He sighed, “I thought you were actually going to drop me.”

“Don’t be stupid, I wouldn’t do that. Not on purpose anyway.”

Matsukawa laughed, rolling over and settling himself onto the bed. Iwaizumi flopped down next to him, “Move over.” He mumbled, trying to squeeze himself onto Mattsun’s far-too-small single bed. He complied, carefully shuffling against the wall so that Iwaizumi could lie down on his side next to him.

“Joining me?”

“Yeah, my energy’s gone. Turns out carrying you is a lot harder than I thought it’d be.”

“Heh. Sorry about that. But if it’s any comfort, my head really does hurt.” 

Iwaizumi snorted, letting his arm loll across Matsukawa’s stomach, “No it doesn’t, you just want me to be nice to you.”

Matsukawa grinned at him, “Damn, you figured out my cunning plan.”

“Seriously though, if it still hurts in the morning, you have to say something, okay?”

“Sure, sure.”

They both fell silent for a little while, Iwaizumi trying to get to sleep and Matsukawa just thinking about things. Namely, their respective boyfriends in the other room. Oikawa and Iwaizumi had such a good dynamic between them - it was a wonder they hadn’t gotten together earlier, they looked so perfect together, so normal. He wondered if he and Hanamaki appeared that way to other people. Not that there was anything wrong with their relationship, per se, he was just worried about Hanamaki, and how he felt about all this. He’d never dated anyone before, and then he’s suddenly in a relationship with his best friend which had the potential to go horribly wrong and ruin not only their friendship, but possibly OIkawa and Iwaizumi’s as well. He didn’t think it would go that way - he hoped it wouldn’t - but he wasn’t going to lie to himself and say that the possibility was non-existent. It had to be pretty stressful for him. For all of them in fact. One slip up and all of their friendships could be ruined forever. He didn’t want that to happen, he loved all of them, and he didn’t want to lose any of them…but he also really liked Makki. Like _really_ liked him. 

“Hey Iwaizumi?”

“Mmm?” He grunted.

“How do you find dating Oikawa?”

Iwaizumi lifted his head, shooting a confused look at him, “What do you mean?”

“I mean, you guys don’t really act any differently, I just wondered if dating him was weird for you.”

“Not really.” He said, frowning, “I mean we’ve both had a crush on each other for as long as either of us can remember, so I guess we’ve always been acting like we were in love. Now we just kiss a lot more.”

“That’s cute.” He said, smiling.

Iwaizumi glared at him, stuffing his face in the pillow to hide his blush, “Shut up.”

“…Are Makki and I acting any differently?”

He seemed to consider the question for a moment, “A little bit.”

Matsukawa’s heart fell a little, “Is it a bad kind of different?”

“Not necessarily…I think that it’s mainly just Makki being shy about finally having a boyfriend. Why? Do you find it weird that you’re dating him?”

“No I don’t…But I think Makki might.”

Iwaizumi didn’t say anything in reply, he just closed his eyes in a clear indication that he wanted to be left to rest, but it worried him a lot. Did he agree? Did he think he was being silly and overthinking things? He didn’t think he was being too pedantic about it - there was definitely something up with Makki, the only problem was figuring out what exactly that was. 

“Do you think that Makki-”

Iwaizumi’s eyes snapped open, and he lifted himself of the pillow as if to lend more insistency to his words, “Oh my god, Mattsun, why don’t you just talk to him? The reason Oikawa and I work so well is because we’re always talking to each other - well, it’s more Oikawa talking at me most of the time, but still, we communicate. You and Makki can’t just come to us when you have problems, you need to work them out yourselves.”

Matsukawa hoisted himself up unto his elbow, his interest piqued, “Makki talked to you guys? What did he say?”

“Why don’t you ask him? Communication is important and all that shit. Now shut up and go to sleep.” He said with a tone of finality, shuffling to face away from Matsukawa to emphasise his point.

Matsukawa yawned long and hard, almost painfully, and decided that Iwaizumi was probably right. He made a silent promise to himself to talk to Makki the next chance he got, and fell asleep to thoughts of the pink haired boy dancing through his dreams. 

***

“So…” Matsukawa began, waiting until Makki turned to him to make sure he had his full attention, “I thought that, since we have the whole weekend together, we could maybe go out on a picnic this afternoon? And then maybe go out into town tomorrow and catch a movie? What do you think?”

It was the perfect opportunity. He’d been sitting on Iwaizumi’s advice for the whole week, but now they had the whole weekend to spend together, just the two of them, and Matsukawa could _finally_ get around to asking Makki how he felt about all this. He may have also planned a really cute weekend of dates, just to sweeten the pot a little, and with the hope that spending a whole weekend together would help Makki relax a little. 

Judging by his face, the dates were definitely a good idea, “Sure! Sounds great.”

Matsukawa could feel his own face lighting up, “Then let’s go get some food.”

After a quick trip to the supermarket, they started assembling sandwiches and packing everything into cool-bags - making sure to include the obligatory piece of fruit for each of them before piling on the junk food. They were slightly distracted by a small food-fight in the middle, in which both of them ended up with popcorn in their hair and chocolate smeared all over their faces, but neither of them seemed to mind. It was lighthearted and fun and Matsukawa had even stolen two or three kisses without Makki turning away in embarrassment. Instead he just smiled like he was the happiest person in the world and started nibbling on the food Matsuakwa had told him not to eat. Matuskawa’s heart began to swell - it was working, they were going to be fine, everything would-

“Hey, why don’t we invite Iwaizumi and Oikawa?”

Matsukawa paused in the middle of zipping up the bag, a little stunned and - if he was being completely honest - _hurt_ that Hanamaki was willing dismiss the idea of being alone with him so easily, especially after how wonderful the past few hours had been. Nevertheless he tried to play it off, breathing out a little laugh before speaking, “Uh, I don’t think they’d want to join in on us being disgustingly cute on our _date_.” He stressed, hoping Makki was getting what he was hinting at, “There’s not enough food for them anyway.”

“We’ve done it plenty of times before. Besides, they're finally a couple now so it can be a double date instead. We’ll just tell them to go to the supermarket before hand and-”

“It’s almost like you don’t even want to spend time with me.” Matsukawa sighed bitterly. He didn’t really intend to say it out loud, but before he knew it the words were in the air and Makki was looking at him with that irked expression he wore when he didn’t understand what was going on.

“I’m spending time with you now aren’t I?” He said, and Matsukawa did not miss the note of frustration in his tone.

He didn’t want to fight. He really didn’t. It was always exhausting and caused way too much drama between them even when they were just friends, but now that they were dating this was going to be a lot harder to climb out of. Plus, the atmosphere so far had been so perfect and he didn’t want to ruin in it - he’d wanted to talk to Makki calmly, rationally, with both of them buzzing off the nice feeling that came with spending time together…but he couldn’t stop himself.

“We’re at my house. Like we are _all the time_. And whenever I suggest maybe going out for a change, somehow Oikawa and Iwaizumi always end up coming along. I just…I guess I’m just wondering what you’re thinking about this whole-” He gestured vaguely between them, “-relationship thing, because sometimes it feels like you…don’t want to be with me.”

“I’m sorry…” Makki said almost immediately, his eyes wide as if he’d only just realised something important, “I didn’t notice you were so upset.”

“No, I’m not _upset_ per se, I just-” He ran his hands through his hair, unsure how to phrase it, “I just want you to talk to me. I mean, if you d-don’t want to be together then that’s fine, I just wish you’d _tell_ me-”

Makki immediately leapt to his side, taking his hands and squeezing them as if to reassure him, “No no no, of course not Mattusn, I _want_ to be with you, I do, I promise you.”

“Then what’s wrong? Why do you keep avoiding me?”

Makki looked down at his feet, retracting his hands and once again dodging his gaze, “I’m not doing it on purpose I swear. It just all feels so normal, you know? I mean we used to do things like that all the time before, and it just feels strange to be doing those things with you and _only_ you. Not to say that I don’t like being alone with you, I do, I love it, I just…I guess it’s hard to make that distinction.” 

Matsukawa was about to reply, but he saw Makki twisting his hands together in deep thought and decided to let him think it out, “I just…I don’t know what I’m doing, okay? And it was fine when we were just friends…but…but now that we’re dating I don’t know what you expect from me when we’re alone together, and I don’t want to disappoint you, but being alone with you…makes me nervous…because I don’t want to do something I’m uncomfortable with…but I don’t want to make you unhappy either…and having them around makes it a lot easier, because that expectation is a lot less…present…I guess.”

And the tension in Matsukawa’s chest was finally relieved. Makki still loved him, he wasn’t leaving him, he was just worried about disappointing him. The more he thought about it, the more obvious it seemed to him, and it was a wonder he hadn’t noticed it earlier - it was such a _Makki_ thing to do.

“Makki.” Matsukawa said softly, unable to stop himself from smiling a little, “I’m never expecting anything from you, I’m sorry if I made you feel that way.”

“I know that, I know you don’t…but I can’t help thinking it, you know?”

He took Hanamaki’s hands in his again, instantly feeling a lot better about the whole affair, “Then we’ll invite Oikawa and Iwaizumi to our picnic.”

Makki shook his head insistently, “No way, I want to spend this weekend with you, and you alone.”

Matuskawa had to admit, his heart was doing somersaults at the thought of it, “Are you sure?”

“Positive.” Makki stated, and then he smiled and Matsukawa couldn’t stop himself from kissing him right there and then - and this time Makki _definitely_ kissed him back.

Makki laughed, “Come on, we should get moving or it’s going to be dark.”

The rest of the weekend was spent basking in each other’s company, sharing touches and kisses and hugs, and both of them wishing that time would stop for a second so that they could be trapped in this perfect moment together for the rest of time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah i got lazy with the ending whoops
> 
> tumblr: botiot


	5. Say no to this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's late and i'm tired time to post a new chapter
> 
> a lot of '~thinking~' happens in this one pls stick it out

When Hanamaki arrived home it was to an empty house. He’d thought his parents were going to be in, but they’d called him earlier to tell him that they’d be going out for the evening. They’d seemed unusually chirpy for some reason, but he’d decided not to dwell on it, and bid them goodnight with promises of seeing them in the morning. He’d kicked his shoes off and set his bag down with a groan, rolling his shoulder to get some feeling back into it as he trudged over to the kitchen, his mind set on stealing a cream puff or two before he started on his homework. 

He really hadn’t expected to find a Mattsun waiting for him.

He especially hadn’t expected to find him half-naked and munching on his beloved creampuffs.

He didn’t really know how to react at first. He sort of just stood there staring at him with his mouth hanging open as he tried his best to form a sentence. Mattsun just grinned, drawing another creampuff from the box and chewing it agonisingly slowly.

“Mattsun? Why are you in my kitchen?”

Mattsun shrugged, “I was hungry.”

“No, I meant why are you in my house?” 

“I’ve decided that tonight is a date night.”

“And you didn’t want to tell me about this?” Makki huffed with a fake air of annoyance. He had finally snapped to his senses enough to snatch the box of creampuffs from his boyfriend, and was severely displeased with how far down he had to dig until his fingers reached one. 

Mattsun watched him eat with the grin still on his face, “This is me telling you. Tonight is a date night.”

Makki raised an eyebrow, “Well I hope you’re not going out looking like that.”

“We’re not going out.” He said, “We’re going to have a very special night tonight, right here.”

“Uh huh,” Makki answered with a mouthful of creampuff, “And what’s so special about it?”

“It’s our three month anniversary.” 

Hanamaki rolled his eyes, fishing a second creampuff out of the packet, “Are we one of those couples that celebrates every single anniversary possible now?”

“We are indeed.”

Makki shoved the next creampuff into his mouth, munching happily, “What’s the plan then?”

Matsukawa paused for a moment, pulling at the material of his boxers, “That depends.”

He stopped in the middle of chewing his creampuff, noting Mattsun’s odd behaviour, “On what?”

“You.” He replied.

“Okay?” He swallowed, reaching absent-mindedly for another as he waited for Mattsun to say something else.

He seemed nervous, biting his lip and rocking to and fro on his feet a little. He put a hand on Mattun’s arm to steady him and gave him an encouraging smile, “What is it?”

Matsukawa took a deep breath before placing his hands on Makki’s shoulders and looking him right in the eye, “Makki, do you want to have sex with me?”

Makki’s smile was wiped from his face instantly.

“We’re both virgins, and I’ve wanted to ask you to be my first for a while now but I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable so I wanted to wait until you were ready, and…this is me asking if you’re ready.” Matsukawa explained, “You can say no if you want, I just…honestly, I’ve been dying to have sex with you for three months so…please?”

His silence only seemed to make Mattsun talk more, “I asked your parents and they said it was okay, so we have the whole night, and you can take as long as you want.” He rambled.

That seemed to snap Makki out of his shocked trance, “You told my parents you wanted to have sex with me?”

“No! God no. I told them I wanted to surprise you with something special and asked them if we could have the house to ourselves. I mean, they probably figured it out but I didn’t tell them directly.”

“Right…” He wasn’t sure what else to say. 

“So…do you want to?” He asked, and Makki knew he wasn’t imagining that hopeful tone in his voice.

“No.”

Mattsun’s face fell.

“I’m sorry, oh my god, I’m so sorry Mattsun I didn’t mean to be so blunt-” He gushed, squeezing the creampuff box and almost crushing it in his hands.

“It’s fine, it’s totally okay that you don’t want to. I just…” He crossed his arms over his chest awkwardly, suddenly shrinking in on himself and smiling sheepishly, “I feel a bit stupid now.”

Tentatively, Hanamaki stepped forward to wrap his arms around Mattsun’s waist, resting his head against his shoulder, “Well you don’t look stupid. I’m actually rather appreciating the view.”

Mattsun’s arms encircled him from behind, squeezing a little in reassurance, “Thanks.”

He squeezed back, “I really am sorry.”

Matsukawa shrugged gently, “If you don’t want to, you don’t want to. That’s fine by me.”

Makki sighed, reaching up to kiss his cheek, “You really are the best boyfriend.”

Mattsun grinned, “I am, aren’t I?” 

“Alright don’t get cocky you asshole.” He said sarcastically, drawing back and reaching to grab the last creampuff from the box with a smirk.

Matsukawa smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes, “Takeout and a movie?”

Makki nodded, “Pick whatever you want, I’ll pay.”

“Makki, I’m a big boy, I can handle you turning me down without expecting you to pamper me because you feel bad.” Matsukawa commented, swanning over to the drawer where his family kept the takeout leaflets and flicking through them.

Hanamaki rolled his eyes, throwing the creampuff box in the bin, “Yeah yeah, just let me pay you idiot.” He said, jabbing Mattsun in the side as he walked past and grinning when he jumped.

“Well, if you insist. Is Chinese food okay?”

He frowned disapprovingly at him - he knew that was Makki’s favourite, “Only if you want it Mattsun.”

“I do.” He looked up at where Makki was leaning against the counter, “Chicken fried rice, no peas, right?”

He nodded, smiling gently as he watched him punch in the number and rattle off their order. 

“So they didn’t have any of that beef thing that we like so I ordered lemon chicken instead, is that o-”

Makki cut him off with a kiss, keeping it chaste and short, but it it was enough to startle Mattsun into silence, “Sounds perfect.”

Matsukawa grinned, taking Makki into his arms to kiss him again, and not letting go until their food arrived. 

***

Hanamaki observed Matsukawa carefully after that. 

Nothing really changed - Mattsun wore the same dopey grin, and kissed him just like he always did, but Hanamaki wondered if he was imagining that hardness behind his eyes and the small droop of his lips as he turned away. It wasn’t like Mattsun to get annoyed or sad and not say anything about it. He was always very open with his feelings, and didn’t like bottling things up unless he was afraid it was going to hurt someone. Plus, they’d both made a promise to start communicating a lot more, so there was no reason for him to hide anything, and yet Hanamaki couldn’t shake the idea that he might be. 

It wasn’t like he was afraid that his boyfriend was finally going to have a negative reaction to the whole ordeal - he knew Mattsun was too nice for that - it seemed more like he was trying to convince himself that he’d made the right decision in turning him down. He wasn’t second guessing himself either, he was absolutely sure that he hadn’t wanted to have sex with Mattsun that night, and he still didn’t. The only thing he couldn’t quite fathom was _why_.

Why didn’t he want to have sex with Matsukawa?

Realistically there was no reason he shouldn’t want to. Mattsun was a model boyfriend: patient, kind-hearted, and understanding, and he had even assured Makki that he wanted to wait until both of them were ready. So the real question here was why wasn’t he ready?

Was it anxiety again? It could be, but Hanamaki doubted it. He hadn’t shown any of the signs when Mattsun had asked him, and he was yet to have a panic attack about it (although the longer he kept agonising over it, the closer he was getting to tipping over the edge). In fact, now that he thought about, he hadn’t really had any reaction at all. He’d just known immediately that he absolutely didn’t want to. 

Honestly, Hanamaki was lost, and when he was lost, he turned to his friends to help.

He caught Iwaizumi in the locker room before practice, changing slower than normal and making sure they were alone before tapping him on the shoulder just as he reached for the door to follow his teammates. 

“Iwaizumi, can I ask you something?”

He frowned, “Sure, what is it?”

Hanamaki fiddled with his t-shirt, “It’s kind of personal.”

Iwaizumi shut the door and turned to face him, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow.

Hanamaki took a deep breath, avoiding eye contact, “Have you and Oikawa had sex yet?” He muttered.

Iwaizumi’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, face flushing, “What?!”

“Have you and Oikawa had sex yet?” He said determinedly.

Iwaizumi rubbed his neck in embarrassment, “Y-Yeah we have, why?”

“H-how did you know when you were ready?”

“Jesus Christ Makki.” Iwaizumi moaned, burying his face in his hands, “Can’t you ask Oikawa about this? I’m sure he’d love to talk about it.”

Hanamaki shrank back, “He’d make fun of me.”

Iwaizumi groaned, rubbing his face fiercely as if to jolt some confidence into himself before answering, “I don't know, I just felt it.”

“Felt it?”

“Yeah, I mean…I love him a lot, and I knew that I wanted him to be my first time so…” He trailed off, shrugging.

“You weren’t put off at all?”

He considered that for a moment, “I guess I was a little nervous. But I trust Oikawa and he trusts me so we made it work.”

Hanamaki went quiet for a moment, “And you were absolutely sure you wanted to?”

“100 percent.”

So Iwaizumi had been completely certain that he wanted to have sex. He supposed that made sense. If there was even a trace of doubt it wouldn’t make sense to say yes anyway - but Hanamaki was experiencing a lot more than a _trace_ of doubt, he had buckets full of it just sitting in the back of his mind, ready to tip over should the word sex even be mentioned. 

“Where’s this coming from anyway? Are you and Mattsun okay?”

Hanamaki found himself divulging the whole story, Iwaizumi listening to his concerns with unending patience, nodding in encouragement as he went along. When he’d finished, Iwaizumi seemed to mull over all the information carefully before finally coming to a conclusion. 

“Well, I don’t think you should worry too much about it. Everyone adjusts at different speeds, so just take your time, and Mattsun will be there whenever you’re ready.”

Hanamaki smiled softly, “Yeah I guess…thanks for listening Iwaizumi.”

Iwaizumi clapped him on the arm, “No problem, just don’t tell Oikawa okay? I’ll never hear the end of it.”

A wicked grin spread across his face, “Is that so?” He said, reaching for the door and yanking it open, “Hey Oikawa!”

Iwaizumi quickly shoved past him, thumping him on the arm on the way, “Shut the fuck up Makki.”

The conversation with Iwaizumi was invaluable to the debate raging in his head. From what he could gather, there were two main factors that Iwaizumi had mentioned where he and Hanamaki differed: trust, and certainty. 

Hanamaki knew he had trust issues. He was half convinced it was an anxiety thing, an underlying niggling fear that made him think ‘what if’ at all the wrong times, but it didn’t really matter. The thing was he _did_ trust Mattsun. Theoretically, that should help him be more comfortable with the idea of sex…except it didn’t. He completely trusted Mattsun to handle things and take care of him, but that didn’t make him want to do it any more than he wanted to jump off a cliff. 

Next was certainty. When Mattsun had asked him, the only thing he was sure of was that he didn’t want to, but Iwaizumi had said the complete opposite. There was definitely something wrong with that. 

It wasn't just those things that were bugging him either. More than anything, Matsukawa’s proposition had just…confused him no end. Why then? How did he suddenly decide he wanted to do it _right then_? How did he know he was ready? How did he know it was him he wanted to do it with?

So many questions were constantly buzzing around in his head that it made it hard to focus on anything else, and he always found himself coming back to them, thinking them over, and reaching no conclusion. So he turned to the only other place he could go when he needed to pin down an elusive answer:

Google.

And he found it.

 

_What is asexuality?_

_How to tell if you’re asexual - Asexuality quiz_

_Asexual - some people just don’t want to have sex_

_Asexuality, Attraction, and Romantic Orientation | LGBTQ_

_Aromantic - AVENwiki_

_What is the meaning of ‘aromantic asexual’?_

 

Intrigued, Hanamaki clicked on the first link and began to read. And the more he read, the more he liked it. He connected with some of the things he read, he understood what they were saying and where they were coming from, and the tension that had been built up in his chest felt relieved somewhat. There was only one problem:

How could he be sure?

One day he’d be completely fine with it, he’d hardly even think about it, and when he did, it felt normal to him, a part of his personality like his height or his name. Other times he began to doubt himself. He’d lie awake for hours at night thinking if that was how he really felt. Did he really feel nothing? Or did he only feel nothing for Mattsun?

It was agonising.

He was constantly switching between up and down, fine one minute, and the next devastatingly upset. It got to the point where Mattsun had begun to notice. He’d started to do that thing where he kept his distance for a while to avoid overwhelming him, but made sure he was always there should Hanamaki ask for him. 

He hated doing that to him. He hated how fragile and needy he was when he was doubting himself, hated how he wasn’t sure of anything. He was just so confused. Everything he thought he knew had suddenly been inverted, completely flipped in the blink of an eye. He’d thought he was in love with Mattsun, and yet asexuality told him that he felt nothing. He’d thought that he enjoyed being romantic and traditional and doing all the things that typical couples do, and yet aromanticism told him that he didn’t. Sometimes he identified with both, sometimes he was convinced it was just one of them, other times he was sure it was neither. He just didn’t know how to feel anymore.

In the midst of it all, there was one thing he was completely certain of, and that was that he couldn’t keep doing this to Mattsun. He couldn’t keep leading him on and pretending everything was fine, and he couldn’t tell him what he was going through because none of it made sense, and he wasn’t even sure if it was real. As far as Makki was concerned there was only one option, and he had to see it through - for both his own sake and for Mattsun’s, and even if it was going to destroy him.

He knew what he had to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (psssssst i know that not all asexuals are disgusted by sex, it just so happens that hanamaki is one of those people. i am also aware that not all asexuals are aro as well but again, makki happens to be one of them)
> 
> also i just realised that makki was pretty ooc in the last chapter so i tried to rectify that a bit in this one buuuuuuuut it's still pretty ooc sorry i tried
> 
> hope you enjoyed!
> 
> tumblr: botiot


	6. Helpless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact, this is the first chapter I wrote for this fic and i constructed the entire 'story' around it (which explains how shaky it is lol). the fic didn't quite turn out how i wanted it to but there we go

The next day at school Hanamaki could hardly bring himself to look Mattsun in the eye. He spent the whole day avoiding him as best he could, ducking around the corner when he saw him coming, stammering an excuse to spend lunch in the library instead, working on his serves in practice so he didn’t have to talk to him.

He couldn’t avoid him forever though.

Mattsun came up to him in the changing room, cornering him when he was stuffing his head through his t-shirt and greeting him with a kiss that made Makki grimace, “Hey.”

Makki grumbled in reply.

“Do you want to come over this afternoon? I feel like I’ve hardly seen you all day.” Mattsun asked, and Hanamaki’s heart shrank.

“Yeah sure.” He answered monotonously.

Matsukawa grinned, “Okay good, let me get my stuff.”

Hanamaki had half a mind to leave whilst Mattsun was distracted, shoot him text saying he didn’t feel well and just run home and put this whole thing off for another time. But he couldn’t. He didn’t have the courage.

The walk back was mostly silent on Hanamaki’s end. He let Mattsun carry the conversation, nodded and smiled and pretended that he wasn’t rehearsing what to say over and over in his head in preparation for a moment he didn’t even want to happen. He seemed to buy it - or, at least, Hanamaki didn’t notice anything different about him. He seemed just as happy as always. He tried not to think about how he was about to take that away from him. 

The second they both tumbled onto the sofa Mattsun started kissing him.

Hanamaki felt something burn unpleasantly in his gut as he kissed him back. Mentally, he went through his speech one last time before taking a few deep breaths once Mattsun gave him the chance, and finally mustering up the courage to speak. 

_Oh well, here goes everything._

“Hey Mattsun…I need to tell you something.” 

“Can it wait?” Matsukawa mumbled against his lips.

“No it can’t."

“Okay…what’s up?” He said, pressing against his lips again without waiting for an answer.

Hanamaki let the kiss continue for a moment, knowing he would probably never be able to do this again, and trying to ignore the sinking feeling of guilt weighing in his stomach. When they naturally parted he cleared his throat and managed to stammer out, “Can we stop this for a sec?”

Matsukawa pulled back for a moment, concern tinging his face just for a second, “Is this too much? Are you not okay with this?”

“No no…it’s…fine.” Hanamaki swallowed, “It’s just kinda hard to talk with your tongue down my throat.”

“That’s the point.” Matsukawa grinned and kissed him once more. Hanamaki started to feel a little bit nauseous as he tried to turn his head away from Matuskawa’s persistent lips. 

Hanamaki put his hands on Matsukawa’s shoulders and pushed him away, successfully breaking them apart, “Mattsun please, I’m serious.”

“Alright.” He sighed, finally pulling a good distance away from Hanamaki’s face, to regard him with his usual droopy-eyed expression, “What’s wrong Makki?”

“I think we should break up.” 

_Oh god._

It was out. He’d finally said it. This was it. It was what was best for both of them, he knew that. He knew that he was doing the right thing. So why did he feel like he was betraying himself?

Matsukawa stilled instantly. His facial expression didn’t change, but Hanamaki had known him long enough to recognise the hurt shining through his eyes. He stayed silent, waiting for Matsukawa to say something.

“You have thirty seconds to give me three good reasons.” He said quietly, “And I mean _really_ good reasons because I honestly have no idea where this is coming from.” He sounded so vulnerable, so wounded that Hanamaki instantly hated himself for hurting Matsukawa like this, even if he was trying to save him from a future pain.

“Ah shit.” Hanamaki mumbled to himself, brain struggling to piece together all of his thoughts into three coherent sentences whilst simultaneously trying not to cry, “Okay, well, first I’m scared that I used the fact that you like me just to get a boyfriend because I was feeling lonely. Second, I love you a lot, but I feel the same way with you as I do when I’m hanging out with Oikawa and Iwaizumi, and I love being with you it’s just I’m worried that I misinterpreted my feelings. Third, I think I fucked up and I don’t want to hurt you by continuing on with this relationship when I’m doubting myself.”

Hanamaki’s heart pounded as he watched Matuskawa’s face carefully, gauging his reaction. Slowly, Matsukawa sat back against the sofa, lips pursing ever so slightly as he mulled over Hanamaki’s words. He looked calm, rational, but Hanamaki saw his clenched fists and the little quiver in his shoulders and knew just how close he was to breaking down. Hanamaki wasn’t so far from there himself, he could feel a prickling slowly growing behind his eyes, and his nose was dangerously close to running and dribbling snot down his face, which was quite honestly the last thing he needed. 

“Okay.” Mastukawa said after what seemed like a lifetime, “Thanks for telling me.”

In the end, it was him who broke down first, but only because of the sad, yet understanding smile Matsukawa flashed his way. He tried his best to stop it, but as soon as the first tear fell, he was a sobbing mess “I’m so sorry Mattsun.” He wept, hiding his face in his hands out of embarrassment and guilt. He was just such a mess, he didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know how to feel, he didn’t know what was going to happen after this. Were they still going to be friends? Would Matsukawa decide to cut him out of his life? He didn’t think he could survive that. Hell, he didn’t even know if he was going to survive _this_. 

Matsukawa cleared his throat, and his voice was a little bit strained as he spoke, “It’s okay, I’ll get over it eventually just…give me a bit of time?”

“Mmmm.” Hanamaki nodded, not trusting himself to speak without wailing or hiccoughing or something else equally embarrassing. Mastukawa carefully picked up the box of tissues from the coffee table and handed it to him, ever the gentleman. Hanamaki took a handful and dabbed at his face hastily, wanting to regain his composure as soon as possible.

“Hey Makki.” Matuskawa began, trying to swallow the shakiness out of his voice, “I don’t mean to be rude, but could you please leave now?”

Hanamaki scrambled up from the sofa, so ready to put this behind him, and definitely not ready to see Matsukawa Issei cry for the first time in his life, “Of course, yeah, don’t worry about it. I’m gone.” He scanned the room, picking up any items he could find that he immediately identified as his and making his way towards the door. Matsukawa stayed seated, hands fisted in the material of his trousers and a tight smile fixed unnaturally onto his face, as if someone had screwed it on. Hanamaki hated seeing him like that, and he hated even more that it was all his own fault. 

“Goodbye Mattsun, I’m really sorry.” He said, quickly pulling on his shoes and glancing over his shoulder at his boyfr-…his friend behind him.

Matsukawa nodded, “Goodbye Makki.” He said softly, and Hanamaki did not miss the small hitch in his voice as he finished his sentence, nor did he miss the stifled sounds of sobbing drifting towards him after he closed the door.

Hanamaki sniffed heavily, a fresh wave of tears falling from his eyes as he walked as fast as he could away from Matsukawa’s house. He felt awful. He had absolutely no right to be feeling this way, not after what he did to Matsukawa. He did not deserve to be so broken up about this when he was the one who had decided to end it. And yet he hardly made it ten metres before tears obstructing his vision forced him to a halt. His breathing got shallower and shallower and he clutched at his chest where an ache had begun to blossom like a bruise, just under the surface of his skin, pulsating and throbbing painfully. 

He fumbled through his pockets, digging out his phone and typing into his contacts with trembling hands. He bit his lip as the tone rang out, trying to muffle his sobs. After what felt like a lifetime he heard the phone connect, and he heard the lighthearted voice drift through the receiver, _“Makki~! You never call me, I’m honestly quite flattered. What’s the occasion~?”_

“O-Oikawa.” He spluttered out, before the sobs took hold of him and he couldn’t speak anymore. 

He could practically hear Oikawa’s business mode switching on, _“Makki? What’s wrong?”_

“I f-fucked up Oikawa, I-I really fucked up.” He said, almost hyperventilating now.

_“Makki, where are you? I’m coming to get you.”_

The next fifteen minutes were a bit of a blur. He vaguely remembered Oikawa showing up eventually and drawing him into a tight hug as soon as he saw him. He also remembered walking into a house at some point, and then being pushed onto a sofa and made to recount the whole experience to Oikawa, who sat watching him like a hawk throughout the entire thing. He hadn’t calmed down in the slightest, tears still escaping rapidly from his eyes, and somewhere in the back of his mind he wondered where he was getting them from. 

“Okay Makki.” Oikawa said after he’d heard the story through, “This is going to sound stupid but I need you to tell me honestly okay?”

He nodded.

“Why did you break up with Mattsun?”

“I already told you.” He sniffed, “I felt like I was just using him because I was lonely. I loved being with him, but I was scared that I couldn’t reciprocate how he felt about me.” _God saying it out loud sounds even worse_.

“Bullshit.”

_Ah fuck. Oikawa and his astute observations strike again._

He tried his best to play it off anyway, hoping Oikawa wouldn’t press the issue, “Excuse me?”

“Makki I’m not an idiot, I know when you’re lying to me.”

“I’m not lying-”

“Yes you are. Tell me why you really broke up with him.”

He passed a hand over his face, brushing the hair out of his eyes and trying to stop his hands from shaking so much. Oikawa was his friend, he could trust him, there was no reason to be so nervous. Besides, he was already crying, so that took one horrifically embarrassing option out of the running. All he had to do was say it, so why the fuck was it so hard?

“…I think…I’m asexual…” He wavered, his voice betraying him a little.

“Okay, well-”

“… _And_ aromantic.”

He hadn’t really been lying. All of the reasons why he’d broken up with Mattsun were still true, but possibly being ace and aro on top of that just added an extra layer of confusion to the whole situation. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Oikawa, taking to staring at his hands instead and taking a few deep breaths to try and calm himself down. 

“Okay…Still doesn’t answer my question though.” Oikawa said, shuffling closer. 

Hanamaki sighed, “I’m having a really hard time figuring things out and I just need some time.”

“Why didn’t you tell Mattsun? You know he’d understand.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Of course it is-”

“No, Oikawa, I’m telling you, it’s not.”

Oikawa fell silent, looking a little guilty, “Okay, I’m sorry…but please explain?”

Hanamaki laid his head against the back of the sofa, rubbing his aching eyes and suddenly feeling very drained. Where did he even start with this whole identity crisis? “I started questioning myself about a month ago I guess, when Mattsun asked me if I wanted to have sex with him…and it wasn’t just that I didn’t want to, it was that…I didn’t understand _why_ he wanted to have sex.”

Oikawa’s concentrated stare was back on him again, the calculated one he used when he was analysing other teams during volleyball matches, and Hanamaki suddenly understood why all the other teams feared Oikawa. He had talent sure, but his piercing gaze was utterly terrifying to be on the receiving end of, and you knew that Oikawa was smart enough to exploit your weaknesses the second he figured them out. 

He looked towards the ceiling, staring at the whispers of cracks rippling through the plaster to distract him from Oikawa’s unnerving glare as he spoke, “I began to realise that I don’t feel things the way you guys do. I don’t understand what you guys mean by ‘attraction’, and the idea of sex has always disgusted me, like I’ve never understood why people love it so much. I guess it feels good or something? I don’t know. All I know is that I don’t want anything to do with it…but I know that I’m supposed to. It’s…it’s a lot harder for me to figure out whether I like someone or not because I don’t have that ‘urge’ that people are always writing about, and I’ve never been in love before. I didn’t want to lead Mattsun on because he seemed so sure of himself, and I’m not sure of anything right now. I like Mattsun a lot so I said yes when he asked me, but I don’t really…feel anything. And I don’t know if that’s me, or if that’s just because I haven’t found the right person yet.”

Oikawa considered his speech for a moment, “Okay…okay…” He shifted, taking Hanamaki’s hands and moving to face him squarely, “How do you feel about Mattsun?”

“Oikawa please.” He sighed, “Do we have to do this now?” He just wanted to run away, he wanted to curl in on himself and hide from the world, never to resurface. 

Oikawa’s grip tightened around his hands, “Yes we do. Please just tell me.”

Hanamaki took a deep breath, wiping his face free of tears and trying to think about how he could word this properly, “I…I don’t know.” 

Oikawa waited expectantly. 

“He’s my best friend. I love being around him, and when he smiles at me I can’t help but smile back at him. He always knows exactly what to say when I’m feeling down, and his laugh is probably the best thing in the whole world.” He paused, nostalgia clutching at his heart, “Whenever something happens he’s one of the first people I think of telling. I miss him when he’s not around, and I can’t bear to think of ever losing him, but I guess now I’m going to have to live with that.” His voice broke on the last word, and he bit his lip to keep his emotions in check - he wasn’t about to start crying again, not after he’d finally stopped.

“Oh Makki.” Oikawa said, bringing a hand up to cup his cheek, and smiling gently at him, “That’s not friendship, that’s love.”

“No.” Hanamaki whispered, shaking his head, “No it’s not. I thought it was but it’s not. It can’t be.”

“And why not?”

“Because I feel the same way about you and Iwaizumi.”

He must have imagined Oikawa’s smile growing bigger, “You do?”

“Of course I do, you’re my friends.”

Then, all of a sudden, Oikawa’s lips were against his.

The kiss was gentle. A little hesitant, and yet sure at the same time. Compared to Mattsun’s long and deep kisses it was fleeting, chaste almost, and yet Hanamaki knew that he’d remember it for the rest of his life.

They pulled apart, and Hanamaki observed the flush of red on Oikawa’s cheeks, and felt it reflected on his own. He saw Oikawa’s shining stare and his tiny little grin and he felt the same ache in his chest as he did when he looked at Matsukawa, or Iwaizumi. They all made him feel so happy, and he didn’t want to lose a single one of them.

“One more question.” Oikawa mumbled quietly, knocking their foreheads together, “How did that feel?”

He almost stopped breathing, “…Nice.”

Oikawa breathed a small laugh, “Okay Makki. Now let me talk.”

All he could do was nod, unbelievably distracted by Oikawa’s proximity.

“I’ve been in love with Iwa-chan for the longest time, but I thought that nothing was ever going to happen between us, so I didn’t really think much about it. We moved on through middle school up into high school and then we found you two, and honestly I can’t imagine a more perfect group of people to surround myself with.”

Hanamaki sniffed, offering a weak smile, “You flatter me, Oikawa.”

Oikawa scowled at him, “Shhh, just listen to me. It’s probably because we’re such good friends that it took me so long to realise that I’d fallen in love with all of you.”

Hanamaki’s eyes widened, mouth opening to speak, but Oikawa shut him up with a look, “Let me finish Makki. Now, I know what you’re thinking: something along the lines of ‘what the fuck’, right? Me too at the beginning, but I researched about it and I came across the term ‘polyamory’, have you heard of it?”

He nodded his head slowly.

“It means that you can be in love with more than one person, right?”

Oikawa nodded, raising an eyebrow and fixing Hanamaki with a stare that made him feel like he should know what’s going on. He didn’t. 

“You think…that’s what’s going on with me?”

He nodded once more.

“That’s stupid.” He said after a moment, but he was unable to stop the blush from rising in his cheeks.

Oikawa’s face seemed to fall, a sad frown crawling onto his face as he looked back at Hanamaki insistently, “Why is it stupid?” 

“I…I don’t know it just is…” He spluttered, his panic levels rising.

Was Hanamaki avoiding this problem? Absolutely. Did he care? No way. He did not need to deal with this right now. He had a hard enough time figuring out his feelings for Matsukawa, he wasn’t about to add his feelings for in Oikawa and Iwaizumi on top of all of that. 

But Oikawa, curse his persistency, would not let the matter drop, “It’s easy Makki, just think about it-”

“Oikawa, I’ve been thinking about this for an entire month already!” He exploded. He vaguely registered Oikawa’s shocked expression and the way he almost flinched away from him, but he couldn’t stop himself from unleashing all the pent up frustration that had been building inside him, “What the hell makes you think that you know more about this than me?! I’m trying so hard to figure this shit out and it may seem pretty cut and dry to you, but it’s not like that for me! I don’t understand myself! I don’t know if I deserved to have a boyfriend who loved me as much as Mattsun did. Fuck, I don’t even know if I deserve to ever have a significant other again because what I’m feeling isn’t clear, or normal, and I could hurt a lot of people like that. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be in a relationship when you don’t know who you are?”

Oikawa’s eyes were wide, shining as he watched Makki’s outburst with a slightly fearful expression on his face. He wanted to stop. He didn’t want to keep talking anymore. He knew that what he was saying was hurting Oikawa, that it was hurting himself, that it would make things so much harder in the future, but the words kept tumbling, and the relief it brought him was almost enough to soothe his anger.

“So I broke up with Mattsun. And now I’ve probably estranged one of my most treasured friends forever because I fucked up. Badly. And in my tiny world, where friendships might be all I have, that hurts. It fucking _hurts_ Oikawa, because I know that I’m never going to be able to get that back again. So don’t you dare tell me that this is fucking _easy_.”

He fell silent, breathing heavily as he felt a pressure close in on his chest. He saw Oikawa’s face clearly for the first time, and he was sure he wasn’t imagining the pain in his expression. It was the exact same expression Matsukawa had had when he’d broken up with him. 

_Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. You’ve gone and done it again Takahiro, you’ve fucked up another friendship._

The guilty tears were trying to come back again, but he managed to stave them off for a little while longer this time. He didn’t wait for Oikawa to come back to his senses and respond to him, he didn’t wait for his scathing words and the reprimand he knew was about to follow. He took off instead, marching from Oikawa’s house and speeding up as soon as his feet hit the pavement, trying to escape the thoughts chasing themselves around his head. 

_Two friendships ruined in the space of half an hour, that’s pretty impressive. Want to call up Iwaizumi and finish the job?_

He ground his teeth together in annoyance, frustrated tears leaking out of the corners of his eyes as he ran. Why couldn’t things just be simple? Why couldn’t he be that guy in the movies who found the person he was looking for without having to try? Why couldn’t he have that stereotypical, sappy relationship story? Why couldn’t he do the whole ‘love’ ordeal effortlessly like everyone else?

Why couldn’t he just be normal?


	7. Hurricane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly, fuck this chapter this took me so long omg

“Hey Iwa-chan.”

_“Hey, you okay?”_

Hearing Iwaizumi’s soothing low tones coming through the receiver, Oikawa couldn’t help but let out a small breath of relief, feeling that knot in his stomach loosen somewhat, “Yeah…so I just spoke to Hanamaki, I’m assuming you’re with Mattsun?”

_“Yeah, he called me about half an hour ago.”_

“How is he?”

Iwaizumi was silent for a moment, _“Bad. And I mean_ really _bad. He was crying, Oikawa. Sobbing. He’s only just stopped.”_

Oikawa nodded understandingly, even though he knew Iwaizumi couldn’t see him. They may have only met a few years ago, and were still discovering new things about each other daily, but one thing all four of them were sure about was that Matsukawa did not cry. No matter how sad the movie, no matter what distant relative had passed away, none of them had ever seen Matsukawa Issei shed a single tear. That’s how Oikawa knew this was serious.

“Hanamaki was the same…”

_“Did he tell you why he did it?”_

“Honestly, I don’t understand his reasoning, but yes he did.”

Oikawa explained what Hanamaki had told him to Iwaizumi, making sure to use Hanamaki’s words so nothing was misinterpreted.

_“Asexual, huh?”_ Iwaizumi mused, _“That makes a lot of sense I guess.”_

“Yeah…” Oikawa trailed off, biting his lip, “And then…I may have…kissed him…”

_“You did_ what _?”_ He heard Iwaizumi move on his end, and what sounded like the shutting of a door before Iwaizumi spoke up again, his voice no more than a whisper, _“Oikawa, he broke up with his boyfriend less than an hour ago, you can’t do that.”_

“He said he loved us Iwa-chan.”

He heard Iwaizumi’s sharp intake of breath and waited.

_“He did?”_

“Not explicitly but yes, he did.”

_“Not explicitly?”_

“Well he thinks it’s more of a friendship love than a ‘love’ love, but the way he was describing it Iwa-chan, it was definitely ‘love’ love I know it.”

_“Okay, did you try and explain it to him?”_

“I did…but I may have mentioned the polyamory thing and I think I freaked him out.”

He knew the disapproving sigh was coming before he heard it, _“Oikawa…”_

“I’m sorry Iwa-chan.”

_“We said we weren’t even going to mention it until we were sure.”_

“I know. I know. But we’ve been sitting on this for months now, I had to say something.”

_“And you thought now was a good time to bring it up?”_

“I said I’m sorry, okay?”

Iwaizumi sighed again, _“Do you know where he went?”_

“No. He yelled a bunch of stuff about not knowing who he is and wondering if he deserved to ever be loved and then he ran out on me.”

He heard Iwaizumi breathe a barely audible, ‘shit’ before pausing again, _“He said he didn’t deserve to be loved?”_

“Yeah…he’s really hurting, Iwa-chan.”

_“Fuck.”_

Oikawa fiddled with the material of his sofa, not liking the uncomfortable feeling of worry gnawing at his stomach, “Why didn’t he tell us? If he’s hurting so badly why didn’t he just come to us? Does he not trust us?”

_“He has anxiety remember, it’s a lot harder for him to talk about these things, even to people he trusts. It must have taken all he had for him to tell you he was asexual, you should appreciate that.”_

“I know that, I just…don’t really understand it, I guess.”

_“You don’t have to understand, you’ve just got to be there for him.”_

Oikawa gave a soft smile, “Thanks Iwa-chan.”

_“Anytime. Except now, because I’ve got to go check on Mattsun, and you have a Makki to find.”_

“Indeed I do. Hey, Iwa-chan?”

_“Yeah?”_

“Don’t tell Mattsun.”

_“Of course not, I’m not an idiot Oikawa.”_

“Just making sure.”

_“Okay, bye then.”_

“Bye Iwa-chan, I love you.” His eyes widened in horror as he blushed and fumbled to cover up his mistake, “Um…I mean…”

He heard Iwaizumi snort, _“Dumbass, I’ll see you later.”_

“Bye.” He spluttered, very glad that Iwaizumi could not see his face right now.

He was about to hang up when he heard Iwaizumi speak a final time, _“Love you too.”_

The call cut off.

***

Hanamaki trudged through the mud, shivering as the first few drops of rain plonked onto his shoulders and trickled down his back. In retrospect, maybe stopping to grab his coat wouldn’t have been a bad idea, but there was nothing he could do about it now. He just chalked it up to more of his cursed bad luck and continued to wander wherever his feet wanted to. He didn’t really know where he was, all he’d known was that he’d wanted to make absolutely sure Oikawa couldn't follow him, so he’d run away from the small town centre he normally frequented. Except Oikawa hadn’t even come after him, so it didn’t really matter either way - why he’d thought Oikawa might care enough to chase him after the things he said he didn’t know. He snorted at his own ridiculousness.

He was in some sort of forest or woods or something - there were a lot of trees around anyway - and though they did little to stop the rain pouring down ever harder, he was thankful he wasn’t fully exposed to it at least. After a while he began to hear his waterlogged shoes squelching with every step, and feel the water seep between his toes but he kept moving forward. He feared that if he stopped, he might start crying again, so the best thing was to keep moving, keep his mind focused on something else other than the crushing weight of disappointment and frustration gathering in his chest.

He concentrated on lifting one foot at a time - _one, two; one, two_ \- stamping out the eerie silence of his surroundings mixed in with the distant pounding of the rain and the echoing of thoughts screaming too loud in his head. He quickened his pace, veering to where the trees were thicker so he could focus on the uneven ground and avoiding the hidden roots that threatened to trip him up, keeping his mind occupied with simple bodily functions so he didn’t have time to think about everything that had happened in the last few hours.

How had things managed to go so wrong? Yesterday had been perfectly normal - a date with his boyfriend, a three hour Skype call with his two other friends, watching a movie altogether and slating its questionable plot or ridiculous writing, just like they do all the time. He’d done homework, and worried about his future and where to apply to university, and had tried to sneak a couple of creampuffs out of the cupboard, only for his parents to catch him redhanded and yet let him eat them anyway. They were little things that made Hanamaki’s mundane life his own, the things he had come to consider ‘normality’. Today he had none of that. Today, Hanamaki had somehow managed to brutally crush his best-friend-turned-boyfriend’s heart, insult his other best friend, and push everyone else away because he couldn’t deal with his own sexuality. Talk about pathetic.

A pain in his lungs brought him back to reality. Amongst the pounding of the rain he recognised the slap of his feet against the wet ground, as well as the heavy movements of his chest rising and falling, and realised that he’d been running for the best part of the last fifteen minutes.

The realisation caused his feet to falter, his steps stuttering dangerously in their fluid movements, and the next thing he knew he was falling - tumbling and careening through the brush until he slammed into something hard. He barely had time to spare a thought as to what had just happened before he saw a flash, and then his vision went black.

***

Oikawa pulled his phone out of his pocket, fingers fumbling around a little as he continued to march forwards at an almost punishing pace and simultaneously tried to find Iwaizumi’s contact. He really should have him on speed dial. Rain splattered against his screen, blurring the computed words and making Oikawa growl in frustration as he hurriedly scrubbed his screen clean long enough to find what he was looking for.

Finally, he managed to press the call button, and he held the phone to his ear, his free hand tapping impatiently inside his coat pocket as he waited for Iwiazumi to answer. The rain tumbled down around him, pelting against his face and seeping through his coat with its oppressive coldness and making him shudder. His thoughts abruptly turned to Hanamaki, dressed in nothing but a thin t-shirt, and suddenly the rhythm of the rain battering against his hood sounded insistent, impatient, reminding him how much time he was wasting the longer he just stood here and-

_“Oikawa? Did you find Makki?”_

“No.” Oikawa replied, not bothering to hide the worry in his voice, “I checked his house, the park, the convenience store, even around school, and he’s literally nowhere.”

_“Calm down Oikawa, we’ll find him don’t worry.”_

“Iwa-chan it’s pouring out here. He was only wearing a t-shirt when I saw him and if he didn’t go home then he’s got to be out in this completely unprotected, and it’s only getting worse-”

A flash of lightening made him jump, cutting off the end of his sentence and filling instead with the rumbling of the following thunder. He heard iwaizumi’s frustrated _‘tsk’_ on the other end and knew that they were both thinking the same thing - _the sooner they find Hanamaki, the better._

_“Oikawa, calm down, alright? Did you check around your house? Maybe he ran off somewhere around there.”_

He frowned, “There’s nothing around my house, there’s not even a supermarket, wh-”

Oikawa stopped mid-sentence as he realised the terrifying prospect.

_“Oikawa? Are you there? Hey. Say something.”_

“Iwa-chan, what if he’s in the woods.”

_“It’s…possible.”_

Behind the Oikawa family home was a thick copse of trees that backed onto a sprawling wonder of a forest, stretching back for miles into the hills behind the houses below. It was a popular attraction for locals and tourists alike, with well-worn paths winding and twisting up high into the hills to offer beautiful views of the town neatly nestled in the valley below it. He and Iwa-chan often went into the woods when they were much younger, although their parents had warned them never to go too far - to stay on the path, avoid the creek, and turn back before it got dark. They’d ignored their mother’s cautions to begin with, only for them to get lost for three hours on the opposite bank with no way back, and have their parents find them wandering hand-in-hand together - teary-eyed and shaking - thankfully unhurt, but terrified nonetheless. As time went on, they’d grown braver, expanded their playground little by little, but a niggling sense of fear had kept them from straying too far from the path. But Oikawa was older now, he was aware of the dangers the wood held, having grown up around them nearly his whole life.

But Hanamaki wasn’t.

“I’m going to look.”

_“Woah woah, hang on a minute, we don’t know that he’s in the woods. He could just be at another friend’s house.”_

“What other friends does he have, Iwa-chan?” Oikawa yelled back, voice raising in panic, “You know damn well that we’re all he’s got. We’re supposed to be his best friends, we can’t just let him walk around in the woods bare-skinned and in the middle of a fucking storm.”

_“I told you, Oikawa, we don’t know that’s where he is.”_

“But we can’t rule it out.”

He heard Iwaizumi sigh, and could predict the war between wanting to find Makki and wanting to keep Oikawa safe raging in his head, _“If it is true then he could literally be anywhere. That forest is huge, you can’t search it all by yourself especially not in a storm, it’s too dangerous.”_

“Then Makki’s probably in danger too, are you saying we should just leave him there? What if he’s hurt?” Iwaizumi fell silent on the other end, “I’ll keep to the paths I promise, but I need to at least _look_.”

Iwaizumi must’ve heard the desperation in his tone, _“Fine.”_ He sighed, _“But if I don’t hear from you in half and hour I’m going to assume the worst.”_

“I’ll call you when I find him.”

_“Stay safe.”_

***

When Hanamaki came to it was to the sound of thunder clapping.

At first he didn’t understand what had happened. It was too dark to see much, and the rain was getting in his eyes, so he couldn't keep them open for long before his vision got too blurry to see anything. He could feel dirt and sticks pressing awkwardly against his back, as well as the rubbing of wet clothes against his skin, and the sharp pricking of water pelting against his face, but as for where he was or what had happened to him, he couldn’t figure out.

It was only when a flash of lightning illuminated his surroundings that he saw the steep bank stretching upwards to his left, and the surrounding bushes he’d managed to land himself in, and he realised he must’ve tripped and fallen. He allowed himself to stew in embarrassment for a moment before trying to move at least one of his limbs, and promptly coming to the second realisation that he didn’t have enough energy to even do that. Had he eaten today? He couldn’t remember. Oikawa had probably forced him to eat something at lunch, but apart from that he didn’t think he had. Now that he thought about it, he was pretty hungry. Oh well. Not much he could do about that now.

He didn’t even bother attempting to sit up. He was lying half in a stream or something, and his clothes were already soaked through so it’s not like he could get any wetter by simply lying there. He was vaguely aware of a pain in his leg and his head was pounding like hell, but he didn’t really mind. He simply lay back, closed his eyes and allowed the rain to drum at his face and the thunder to roll uncomfortably in his ears. A thought passed though his mind as he heard the thunder exploding and the lighting flash red behind his eyes. Being underneath a tree was the worst place to be in a storm wasn’t it? Or was that just superstition? He didn’t know - he didn’t care all that much either. In fact, he didn’t think he’d mind at all if the lightning were to hit him at this very moment. He probably should, he knew it wasn’t normal, but the longer it went on the more he found himself almost hoping it would.

***

Oikawa hurriedly weaved through the trees, using all the brainpower he possessed to run through the different options of where Hanamaki could be. He was well aware of how futile and desperate this mission was, but he couldn’t help himself. He was determined, determined to at least do everything in his power to try and find him. After all…it was his fault Hanamaki had flipped out in the first place. If he hadn’t kissed him, hadn’t mentioned the polyamory, hadn’t pushed him for a positive answer when that was clearly not the answer he wanted to give…maybe Hanamaki wouldn’t have run out on him.

Once he was a good distance into the forest, he slowed down, desperately wracking his brain to think where Hanamaki might have continued on from here. He knew it was a long shot, but he dug his phone out of his pocket, found Makki’s number, pressed dial, and listened…

Nothing.

Fighting back tears of frustration, he started walking once more, calling the number again and again whilst keeping his ears open for any sound, any small sign that might indicate where Hanamaki was. If he could hear the ringtone, he could find out where he was; if Makki himself answered, even better. If his phone ran out of battery before he got a response, he’d be forced to give up and turn back…

Ignoring the swirling of apprehension in his gut and the somewhat mocking tapping of the rain against his hood, he listened intently…

…and the faint jingle of Hanamaki’s ringtone reached his ears.

Almost crying in relief he rushed towards it, having to call two or three more times before he could hear it clearly.

On the fourth ring, someone picked up.

_“Hello?”_ Hanamaki’s groggy voice said, and Oikawa nearly stopped breathing.

“Makki? Where are you? Are you okay? I’m coming to get you.” He gushed, now jogging to where he thought the ringtone had come from, expertly dodging through the trees with ease.

_“Oikawa?”_ Came the voice again, and he let a flood of relief wash over him, “ _Why are you calling me?”_

“You’ve been missing for almost two hours Makki, we were so worried.”

_“Oh. That long? Huh.”_ Makki mused, _“Well I’m fine. Sorry for making you worry, I’ll just-”_ His sentence was cut off by a sharp intake of breath, and the barely audible mutter of _‘ow_ ’. Oikawa’s alarm was raised immediately.

“Makki? Are you okay?”

_“Fine.”_ He replied, except his voice sounded different this time - tighter, strained, as if he were struggling to get the words out.

He was about to respond when he came to the edge of a steep bank, and saw the shadowy, human-shaped figure lying at the bottom of it, “Oh my god.”

“Oh. Hi.” Hanamaki said, squinting to watch Oikawa shuffle his way down the bank and making no effort to move whatsoever.

“What happened?” Oikawa said, hanging up the call once he’d reached Hanamaki’s side.

“I fell. Probably.”

“You don’t remember?”

Hanamaki lazily rubbed the rain out of his eyes, “No not really. It’s fine. I’m fine.”

“You’re clearly not.” Oikawa said, squatting down next to him. Hanamaki was soaked to the bone, his clothes drenched and dripping, and his skin was dangerously pale and riddled with goosebumps. There was no way he wasn’t going to be sick after this. Oikawa started taking off his coat, but Hanamaki stopped him with a puzzled glance and a soft swat of his hand.

“What are you doing?”

“You’re shivering like crazy, I’m trying to help you.” Oikawa replied, scowling when Hanamaki did nothing but smirk.

“Listen, there’s a 90% chance that I’m already sick, there’s no point in you getting sick trying to help me when I’m a lost cause.”

Oikawa raised his eyebrow, “90%?” he quipped, putting his coat back on and pulling the hood up all the same.

Hanamaki shrugged, “I have _some_ faith in my immune system.”

“I don’t.”

“Fair.”

Oikawa sighed in frustration, trying to think about how he was going to get Hanamaki out of here, “Okay, let’s get you back to my place, can you-”

“No,” Hanamaki whined, “here is good, let’s just stay here for a bit.”

“Makki it’s pouring and dirty, and you’re literally bleeding fuck why did I only just notice that-” Oikawa’s eyes widened as they landed on the deep gash on Hanamaki’s side, his hands immediately reaching forward to tend it only for Hanamaki to weakly push them away.

“I really don’t care about any of those things right now-”

Oikawa ignored him, firmly batting away his arms and examining his wound as gently as he could, probing carefully, “Are you in pain?”

“Dude I fell down a fucking hill, yes I am in pain.”

He was too worried to even react to his snarky answer, “Where?”

“Everywhere.”

“That’s really not helpful right now Makki.”

“I’m serious I’m aching all over.” Hanamaki replied, huffing a strained laugh when Oikawa frowned.

Oikawa glared at him, “Fine, where does it hurt _most_.”

He saw Hanamaki consider not answering for a moment, but eventually he sighed, leaning back and closing his eyes as he let Oikawa take the reins, “Head, my side, and my foot probably.”

“Rate your pain from one to ten?”

“Jesus, what are you a nurse now?” Hanamaki snorted.

“I’m trying to make sure you don’t die on me you moron. Rate it.”

“Like a three? I don’t know. I’m fine really, I kind of just want a nap.”

That made him pause in his movements, “Here?” he said incredulously, sparing a glance for their muddy and dank surroundings.

“Anywhere really.”

“Makki what the fuck? You’re being really weird. Are you sick already?” Oikawa fretted, placing a hand against Hanamaki’s forehead and not liking how warm it was starting to feel.

“No I’m just too tired to pretend to care anymore.” Hanamaki sighed nudging his hand away.

He didn’t quite know how to respond to that.

“Well I want to go home, and I’m not leaving without you, so can you walk?”

Makki sighed again, barely concealing an eye-roll and stretching out his arms for Oikawa’s help as he tried to heave himself into a sitting position. Oikawa’s hopes of finally getting this whole mess resolved fell dramatically when he saw Hanamaki’s face screwed up in pain from the mere action of sitting up.

“Okay wait wait wait, let’s just hold it here for a sec.” Hanamaki panted, closing his eyes and resting his head on Oikawa’s shoulder as he tried to catch his breath.

“Are you okay? Does it hurt too much?”

“No the hurt is fine, it’s the floor I’m worried about.”

“The floor?” Oikawa asked, keeping an eye on Hanamaki’s face as he waited for the answer.

“It’s spinning. Violently.” He replied after a while, eyes glued to Oikawa’s hand on his chest.

Oikawa felt his heart plummet dangerously fast, “Oh god.”

“I may throw up on you, just a fair warning.”

“Okay, okay, uhhhh…” His thoughts were spinning at record-breaking speeds through this head, and yet he could barely think of a single thing that would help either of them right now. God he was so useless.

“Also yeah actually my foot really hurts.”

“Fucking hell Makki.” Oikawa growled, shifting so that he was taking a little more of Hanamaki’s weight.

“Sorry.” Hanamaki whispered.

He not to think about how pathetic and broken that had sounded, “How did you even fall anyway?”

Hanamaki frowned, thinking, “Wasn’t paying attention, and then suddenly I was paying attention and my brain couldn’t really handle it so I fell. I think.”

“What?”

“I don’t know, okay? I’m tired and my head hurts.” He sighed meekly, sagging a little.

“Are you okay to try standing again?”

Hanamaki nodded, closing his eyes and bracing himself as Oikawa counted down from three and began to heft him to his feet, only for a strangled cry from Hanamaki to bring them straight back to the ground, both panting heavily.

“Yeah okay, nope, that’s not happening anytime soon.” Hanamaki mumbled, biting his lip as he caught his breath again.

Oikawa stood up, pacing and tapping his fingers against his arms as he desperately searched for some sort of solution, “I mean, I could carry you?”

Hanamaki actually had the audacity to laugh, although it was weak and forced, “No you can’t.”

He resisted the urge to glare at him, “Yes I can.”

“I bet you can’t even make it up this hill.”

Oikawa narrowed his eyes, “Watch me.”

He bent down in front of him and waited for Hanamaki to loop his arms around his shoulders before getting a firm grip behind Makki’s knees, taking a deep breath, and standing to his feet in one fluid motion. His feet stumbled a little, but it was okay, they were up, and Hanamaki hadn’t complained yet so things were going great.

“Okay.” He breathed, and began to make his way up the bank. In his defence, he made it three quarters of the way up before he started to flag. His arms were beginning to protest under Hanamaki’s weight and his legs were having trouble going in a straight line, not to mention his burning thighs, but he was determined to do this - if only because Hanamaki had told him he couldn’t. He was stubborn like that.

“Having a little trouble there Oikawa?”

“I’m trying to help you you asshole,” He panted, “now shut up, I need to concentrate on making it up this hill.”

“You do realise we’ve already tested this?” Hanamaki commented unhelpfully, his chin digging sharply into Oikawa’s shoulder, “Mattsun was the only one who could carry me over a significant distance, Iwaizumi came second, and you couldn’t even make it twenty metres.”

The idea struck him so suddenly that he almost dropped Makki right on the spot, but he powered through until he rounded the top of the hill before bending down and letting Hanamaki tumble off him to lean against a tree instead.

Oikawa dropped to the ground next to him barely letting himself catch his breath before he pulled out his phone and typed in his code.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m calling Mattsun.”

“What?” Hanamaki said, smiling falling almost comically fast from his face, “Are you insane? Don’t call him.”

He reached around Oikawa, grabbing onto one end of his phone and trying to yank it out of his hands. Oikawa easily pushed him back.

“You said it yourself, he’s the only one who can carry you a significant distance.” He replied calmly, “We’ll get back much faster and it’ll be safer.”

“I would literally rather walk all the way back.” Hanamaki countered, still leaning over and making grabbing motions at the phone. Oikawa stretched his arm out of Makki’s reach, keeping him back with a firm hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t be ridiculous Makki.” Oikawa said somewhat forcefully. He wasn’t entirely sure whether this was the best course of action either, but at the moment it was all he could think of.

“Oikawa please, I’m literally begging you here, do not call him.”

He paused when he saw the pained expression in Hanamaki’s eyes. He wasn’t doing this to hurt him, Hanamaki knew that right? He just wanted to help.

He shook his head, pushing away Hanamaki’s reaching hands and standing to his feet, “I have to.”

“No you don’t, look, I can stand see?” He insisted, moving to heave himself off the ground despite the crease between his eyebrows and the firm set of his mouth. Oikawa gently guided him back to the floor.

“Don’t be an idiot. It’s the easiest option.”

Hanamaki grabbed onto his coat sleeve, yanking him back to the floor with surprising force, “Oikawa please-”

He sighed, “Makki-”

“I’ll never forgive you if you do this!” Hanamaki yelled desperately above the noise of the rain.

And something inside him broke.

He tugged his arm roughly out of Hanamaki’s grip and clambered to his feet, chest heaving with the strain of keeping in his tears long enough to shout, “Takahiro! You are hurt! The only person around is me, and I’m so fucking useless right now that I have to call your ex-boyfriend to come and help me when you literally just broke up a few hours ago! Yes this situation sucks for both of us but guess what asshole, it’s your own fault for running off alone and getting yourself hurt during a fucking storm. So for once just shut up and let me help you!”

He turned and walked a few paces away, quickly tapping into Mattsun’s contact and bringing the phone to his ear, praying to all the gods he knew of that he’d pick up.

He didn’t.

Uttering a stream of curses under his breath he tried Iwaizumi, smothering the sounds of sniffling behind him with his own heavy breathing.

_“Oikawa, thank god.”_ Iwaizumi sighed, _“Did you find him?”_

“I did, but he’s hurt, and I need Mattsun to come and carry him back to my place.” Oikawa relayed curtly, “Are you still with him?”

_“Yeah…”_ Iwaizumi said hesitantly, _“I don’t know if he’ll want to but I’ll try and get him moving.”_

“Well he’s our only option so tell him he has to or I’ll spoil the ending of Rogue One.” He mumbled, aware of how tired he sounded.

Iwaizumi huffed a laugh, _“Ruthless. You want me there too?”_

“Yes.” Oikawa replied instantly, his voice cracking, “Please.”

Iwaizumi paused, _“Are you okay? You sound upset.”_

He sniffed heavily, kicking at the leaves littering the floor and watching the water droplets fly in every direction, “I don’t know. I think I fucked everything up even more than it already was. You should just ban me from ever helping anyone again because I’m just making everything worse andI-”

He took a deep breath, letting the tears finally fall, “I don’t know.”

Iwaizumi listened to Oikawa cry for a little while before speaking in that calming way of his, _“I’ll be there soon, okay?”_

“Okay.” Oikawa answered, tipping his head back to look at the sky and not caring that the rain was hitting his face and getting in his eyes, “Please hurry.”

_“‘Course.”_

And then he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "When you're falling in a forest, and there's nobody around, all you want is for somebody to find you"  
> -Dear Evan Hansen
> 
> A completely unintentional and weirdly relevant quote of one of my favourite musicals <3
> 
> (Also quick sidenote, I 100% believe that canon Oikawa would be able to carry Makki more than 20 metres, but for the sake of plot he cannot in this fic)
> 
> tumblr: botiot (or haikyup, i'm wayy more active on there tbh)  
> <3


	8. Burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey hey guess who's back
> 
> i'm sorry i haven't updated in like forever i don't even have an excuse i just fell out of writing but i am so determined to finish this and everyone's been so nice in the comments and everything and like honestly i'm blown away by the response to this so just if you're reading this then thank you?? so much?? i had no idea this fic would get the response it did and i just feel so lucky and happy and now i'm gushing but seriously i'm glad people are relating to this and still enjoying the story and just...thanks, really. <3

Hanamaki watched Oikawa hang up the phone and turn back to towards him, wiping at his eyes practically stomping over until he was sitting down right next to him. 

“Sorry.” He mumbled.

Hanamaki just shrugged. 

They waited in mutual silence, all their unresolved problems lingering between them like cobwebs, tentatively hanging in the air. He wanted to shake them off, to finally brush away all the loose ends and unanswered questions they both had, but he couldn’t bring himself to even look at Oikawa, much less speak to him. Instead he let himself sit there - unbelievably aware of how close they were, and how it now felt strange to be sitting so close to him when once it had felt so normal to him. He was hyperaware of every tiny movement they both made, and he tried his best to reign in his violent shivering from the cold and the rain, although he doubted it was making much of a difference. 

God he was cold. He hadn’t minded it much before, but now that he was sitting here doing nothing he was acutely aware of every raindrop that landed on him, and how they all ran across his skin and trickled down his back, leaving him riddled with goosebumps. He shivered, clamping his hands down hard on his arms, hoping that that would somehow make them stop shaking so much.

“Are you sure you don’t want my jacket or something?” Oikawa muttered tentatively from beside him.

Hanamaki shook his head, “I told you, there’s no point in both of us getting sick.”

“I know, I just…” He let the sentence trail off into the wind, and then the silence stretched between them once again, and for some bizarre reason Hanamaki found himself having to bite his lip to stop from crying. 

He didn’t know how long went by before Oikawa got another phone call.

“Yeah?…You did? Wow, that’s pretty impressive…yeah…he’s getting worse though, where are you?…right…shit, yeah…I didn’t think about that…okay hang on I’ve got an idea…I’ll play some music at full volume, you should be able to hear from the path I think…well I heard Makki’s ringtone…we’ll try it and see, if it doesn’t work call me back…well I don’t know give it like half an hour or something…yeah…okay…bye…”

A few seconds later the silence between them was filled with loud music; the heavy strumming of the bass and thumping drums beats managing to push back the din of the forest just enough to distract him for a little while. He leaned his head back against the tree and closed his eyes, his head throbbing in time with the beat and shoulders twitching with cold. The music wasn’t doing much to ease his headache, but he wasn’t about to argue now; he could practically feel the energy draining out of him the longer they sat here and waited, and soon he found his head drooping onto Oikawa’s shoulder next to him.

“Don’t fall asleep.” Oikawa murmured, gently nudging his shoulder upwards so Makki’s head bounced back upright.

“Why?” He mumbled, his head quickly falling back to its original position on his friend’s shoulder.

“You hit your head…” Oikawa answered, unsure, “I thought you weren’t supposed to if you had a head wound. I don’t know. Just don’t.”

He tried to listen, he really did, but next thing he knew he was being shaken awake by a very disgruntled Iwaizumi.

“Makki? Oi, wake up.”

He slowly pushed himself back into a sitting position, trying to blink away the combination of sleep and rainwater that had somehow managed to congeal his eyes shut. He rubbed his eyes clean, his brain gradually coming back into focus along with his pounding headache. 

“…not to let him fall asleep.”

“I tried, but he was out before I could do anything about it.”

Hanamaki sneezed, making pain spike sharply into his side and starting a coughing fit that had him almost doubling over. He bit his lip against the tears and vomit that rose up, not daring to look up at the other two before he’d swallowed most of it down.

“Good god, you’re a mess.” Iwaizumi mumbled, unfolding a piece of cloth that Makki only realised was a coat when Iwaizumi draped it over his shoulders and started guiding his arms through the sleeves. 

“I told you.” Oikawa mumbled.

“He’s always been a mess,” came a third voice, one that made Makki instinctively tense up, “this is just the extreme extent of his stupidity.”

He couldn’t even raise his head, he just stared at the ground and let his body go limp, Matsukawa’s voice somehow managing to drain every shred of his remaining energy.

“It’s not his fault Mattsun, don’t start a fight just because you’re upset.” Oikawa sighed.

Matuskawa stepped forward, his glare practically burning away the raindrops that fell around him, “Not his fault? _Everything_ is his fault. All of this.”

“It’s just a shitty situation, I don’t think it’s anyone’s _fault_ in particular.” Iwaizumi said, lifting the hood over Hanamaki’s head and zipping the coat up as far as it would go. Makki was grateful for the shelter and warmth, sinking his hands deep into the pockets and offering Iwaiuzmi a weak smile in thanks as his shivers began to peter. 

“Don’t try and be diplomatic Iwaizumi, it’s his fault for keeping secrets from us.”

Hanamaki instantly tensed up again, sending a panicked glance in Oikawa’s direction and hoping against hope that Matsukawa didn’t mean what he thought he did; that the terrible nausea building in his stomach was from the fall instead of their words. “Secrets?”

“Yeah.” Matsukawa replied forcefully, “Secrets. Like not telling your boyfriend you’re having a crisis about your sexuality when you _know_ he’s been through exactly the same thing.”

“You told them?” Hanamaki said quietly, not daring to believe it.

He didn’t know why he asked, Oikawa’s guilty expression and Matsukawa’s glare already told him everything he needed to know. 

To his credit, Oikawa never once looked away from his accusing stare, he stuck out his chin and met his gaze head-on.

“I was worried about you, is that such a bad thing?”

Almost magically, his terror left him - consumed instead by hot, rigid frustration, “I don’t care if it’s the fucking apocalypse and it’ll save the entire world, that’s not your secret to tell!” He yelled, seething.

“Makki, stop harassing Oikawa, he cares that’s all.” Iwaizumi commented, standing up and brushing himself off. For some reason the sight of the three of them looming over him with varying degrees of disappointment and exasperation written on their faces made him even angrier.

“Oh and I suppose Mattsun is just pissed because he _cares_ too.” He sneered.

“No I’m pretty sure Mattsun is actually mad at you.”

“Damn right I’m mad.” Matsukawa growled, “I’m mad that you felt like you couldn’t talk to me, your _boyfriend_ , but you somehow felt comfortable talking to Oikawa.”

“I didn’t _want_ to tell Oikawa,” he insisted, scowling hard, “he caught me when I was vulnerable and bullied it out of me.”

“Need I remind you that _you_ called _me_ , Makki.” Oikawa retorted defensively, “I was just trying to help you.”

“I don’t want your help.”

“But you need it!”

Iwaizumi held his hands out as if that could somehow placate them, “Makki, you’re emotional and upset-”

“Oh, you noticed?”

He didn’t Iwaizumi’s eyes narrowing the tiniest fraction, “We’ll have this discussion when you’re calmer.”

“Yeah well good fucking luck with that.” He bit back, aware of the amount of venom in his voice.

Iwaizumi ignored him, stepping forward and grabbing Makki’s arm, “Mattsun bend down, I’ll lift him onto your back.”

“No fucking way, I’m not helping him.”

“Good because I don’t need your help.” He snarled, yanking his arm out of Iwaizumi’s grip.

Iwaizumi sighed, reaching for him once again, “Makki-”

He scooted back as far as he could, pressing his back against the tree and batting away Iwaizumi’s hands as effectively as his addled brain could handle, “Get _off_ me-”

“Makki stop being such a fucking baby.”

At that exact moment, his frustration reached its climax. A sob somehow escaped from his lips, and with it his mental dam that had been somehow keeping him from breaking down suddenly collapsed, floods of tears leaking out at a rate he hadn’t even known was possible. His chest constricted like an elastic band snapping back to its original, shrunken form, air rushing out of him in one strong gust. He couldn’t remember how to breathe in; he couldn’t tell if the pain he felt was real or a phantom thing, a trick of his own broken mind perhaps. Was that possible? He didn’t know, all he knew was that he was gasping for air and clutching at his chest and three pairs of eyes were watching him fall apart right in front of them. 

“Please just l-leave me alone.” He whimpered, letting his head fall down to his knees in an effort to save even a shred of himself from their prying gazes.

After a slight pause, he heard footsteps trudging away from them.

“Mattsun where are you going?” Oikawa called out.

“What? He wants us to leave him alone, so that’s exactly what I’m doing. Good luck getting out of here without us, you’re going to fucking need it.” 

“Mattsun, come back!” Oikawa shouted louder, his footsteps soon following Matsukawa’s at a much more hurried pace. Makki listened to them until they faded under the noise of the rain, a hollow feeling rising within him when he realised that they really had disappeared. 

Iwaizumi sighed again before sounds of shuffling and a warm hand coming to rest gently on his shoulder told him that Iwaizumi had bent down in front of him. He could picture the expression on his face - open concern with a hint of exhaustion in his eyes, “Come on Makki, we just want to help.”

“Why?” He whispered his voice barely coming out, “Just leave, it’d be easier for both of us.”

“I’m not leaving.”

“Why not? The other two already did.” He sniffed, wishing he didn’t sound as pathetic as he felt.

“They didn’t leave, they just…Mattsun needed a time out. They’re still here.” Iwaizumi told him, starting to rub his hand in a gentle, circular motion. For some reason, the action made him feel a little calmer. 

“I’d rather you all just left me here.” He said meekly, slowly lifting his head to rest against the tree and using his sleeves to wipe his eyes even though he was still crying steadily.

“That’s not happening.” Iwaizumi said firmly, “We’re not going until you come with us.”

Once he mustered up the courage to turn his head in Iwaizumi’s direction, he found some comfort in his serious expression. He’d seen this side of him before - before their upcoming games when he told the team they were going to win, the absolute conviction in his eyes when he said he believed in everyone there, and his unwavering devotion to his teammates - his friends. He felt somewhat reassured in seeing that expression now, like Iwaizumi could still see something of the old teammate he’d befriended three years ago left inside him. He wondered if that were even true anymore. 

He sniffed again, wiping his runny nose and huffing a shaky laugh, “I don’t think Matsukawa shares your concern.”

Now that he was upright he could see the other two standing under a tree a little way away, seemingly arguing about something. Although he couldn’t hear much above the noise of the rain, he could tell what they were saying from Oikawa’s expression - he’d always been bad at hiding his feelings, or so he’d thought before this whole mess anyway. 

“I think he does, he’s just bad at showing it.” Iwaizumi mused, following his line of sight to the other two. 

“Oh so yelling at me is him being nice now?”

“No, I meant-” He sighed, “He hasn’t left yet, right?”

“Not for lack of trying apparently.”

Iwaizumi sighed again, and Makki wanted to shrink even further into himself, “Look, I’m not here to argue, please let me get you somewhere safe so we can talk about this.”

“I don’t want to talk about this.” He replied firmly. 

“Fine, but you’re injured and I just want to make sure you’re okay before we leave you to your own devices, alright? At least let me do that.” Iwaizumi shifted so he was crouching now, leaning further into Makki’s personal space and trying to catch his eye.

“Okay.” He relented. He just wanted everything to end. He was so tired and cold and emotionally drained, his eyes ached and his foot hurt and his head was throbbing and he just wanted to go home and sleep for as long as possible and block this whole day from his memory forever. 

Without another word Iwaizumi bent down in front of him and looped his arms around his neck, scooping his knees up and standing to his feet in one swift motion. He shifted until he was in a more comfortable position as Iwaizumi made his way towards the other two. Oikawa hastily scrubbed at his face once he saw them approaching, but it did little to hide the tears tracks tracing down his face. 

“Why are _you_ crying?” he asked. It came out a little more harsh than he meant it to, he supposed he was still feeling a little fragile. 

“Because you were horrible to him, you asshole.” Matsukawa replied instead, stepping in front of Oikawa as if to shield him physically from Makki’s words, “He tries to help you and then you spit it back in his face, how the fuck do you think that’s going to make him feel?”

Oikawa looked more pissed off than hurt at this point, “Stop, it’s okay-”

“No it isn’t! Look, you want to break up with me, fine. Go ahead. But don’t go crying to Oikawa begging him for help and then kick him to the kerb when he does exactly what you asked him to do.”

“Mattsun not now, okay?” Iwaizumi cut in, his sharp tone indicating just how done he was with all of their bickering, “Later.”

“When? We all know Hanamaki’s a master at avoiding problems he doesn’t want to face.” Matsukawa looked right into his eyes when he said that, and Hanamaki knew he wasn’t imagining the tiniest hint of a cocky smirk flash across his face when he saw how he shrank back from his words.

“Mattsun, enough!” Oikawa shouted, grabbing Matuskawa’s arm and dragging him away, “Let’s just go already, before we all get sick.”

That seemed to be enough motivation to get them all moving again. They trudged on in silence, nothing but the squelching sounds of their shoes as they trekked through the mud and the rain pattering against his hood filling his his ears. Maybe it was just the intense heat of the last few moments contrasted with the sudden stillness of the silence between them, but he felt so much calmer now that there were no voices yelling in his ear. No faces looking at him with contempt, no more trying to explain himself, no more hatred - just the sound of the rain and footsteps, and the warmth of the body beneath him lulling him into a false sense of contentment. He could almost pretend for a moment - just for a moment - that everything was fine, that they were just four friends walking through a rainy forest together. He knew it was ridiculous, but he couldn’t stop himself from grabbing onto that tiny shred of happiness, even if it wasn’t really real. 

After a while, he began to notice Iwaizumi’s breathing getting heavier. His grip on Hanamaki’s knees kept slipping, and each time he hefted him back into the right position, he’d take a fraction longer than he had before, and the other two were slowly pulling further and further away.

“We should stop.” Hanamaki spoke up, hoping it was loud enough for the two in front to hear him.

Matsukawa turned to look back, opening his mouth to no doubt spout some sharp retort, only to close it once he saw how tired Iwaizumi looked. He stopped in place, tapping Oikawa’s arm so that he could do that same as Iwaizumi made his way over to the nearest tree. 

Iwaizumi grunted, “Sorry, I just need a rest.” huffing and panting as he set Hanamaki down carefully and collapsed to the floor next to him.

“There’s no way we can keep going like this.” Oikawa said, taking a small step towards Iwaizumi. Hanamaki wondered if he’d even registered the tiny action.  


“What other choice do we have?”

Three heads turned to look towards the fourth in unison, “Mattsun?”

“No.” He said flatly.

“Oh come on-”

“I’m not going near him.” Matsukawa growled, and Hanamaki couldn’t help but wince at the disgust in his tone.

“Please?” Oikawa murmured, looking more desperate by the minute. 

“I’ll walk, it’s fine.” Hanamaki mumbled, trying to push himself to his feet despite the way the world began to spin dangerously and the pain spiking in his ankle. He was definitely feeling worse than before, but it was almost worth it if it would mean that they’d all stop arguing and leave him alone.

“See? He says he can walk.”

“He’s barely conscious, there’s no way we’re letting him walk.” Oikawa said, firmly pressing on Hanamaki’s shoulders a little more roughly than necessary, making him fall to the floor again. He tried push him away, swatting meekly at his friend’s arms.

“I’m fine,” He insisted, still desperately struggling to get to his feet, “I’ll just-”

“Makki no, you’ll only hurt yourself more.” Iwaizumi said, holding onto his arm to stop him from moving. 

“So what? If he wants to hurt himself so bad we should just let him.” Matsukawa commented sharply.

“Mattsun stop it.” 

“What the fuck did I do?”

“You’ve been in a fucking awful mood ever since we found him.” Iwaizumi said.

Matsukawa glared, taking a deep breath as if to gather up all his anger and pain before speaking, “Yeah I fucking have. You know why? Because the guy I’m in love with hides things from me, _breaks up with me_ , and then goes behind my back to spill all his secrets to someone else! And _then_ \- get this - I find out that he’s not only injured himself by being dramatic and running off into the woods alone, but that he needs _me_ to carry him back because he doesn’t have any other friends except the one he just betrayed, and the two people he shouldn’t have even brought into this whole mess in the first place!”

“Then why are you still here?” Hanamaki yelled, trying to ignore how deep those words had cut him.

“Oh believe me, I’d love to get the fuck away from you, but these two won’t let me leave.”

“Stop it both of you!” Oikawa exploded, his voice getting deeper and rougher, the way it did when he was truly pissed off, “Mattsun the only reason you’re here is to help carry Makki. That’s why I called you in the first place. Do whatever you want after this is over, I don’t care, but you can do your fucking job first and give me and Iwa-chan a break!”

Even the rain seemed to falter after Oikawa’s outburst, everything quieting for a moment, as if shrinking away from his wrath. None of them spoke, not after that - they knew better then to argue with Oikawa when he was truly pissed off. He rarely lost his temper completely, but in those moments where he did, there was nothing you could say that would sway him from his point. You either agreed with him, or he gave you hell until you succumbed. 

Silently, Matsukawa bent down in front of Hanamaki, letting Iwaizumi heft him onto his back. 

“Just until we get to your house, then I’m gone.” 

“Fine.” Oikawa huffed, abruptly turning around on his heel and storming ahead. Iwaizumi jogged to catch up with him, putting an arm around his shoulders and letting the taller one sink into his side.

Matsukawa followed behind them, his hands gripping Hanamaki’s legs like a vice, as a he marched forward at an almost punishing pace. All the jostling and bumping was hurting his side and messing with he head, but he wasn’t about to complain now. As long as it got him somewhere warm and away from everyone else, it was worth it.

“Oi,” Matsukawa grumbled, shifting his grip on Hanamaki’s legs, “If you don’t hold on properly I’m going to drop you.”

“Sorry.” He mumbled, shifting his arms into a more secure position over Matsukawa’s shoulders, and concentrating on not throwing up all over his back. 

He thought he heard Matuskawa say something, but he couldn’t make anything out above the noise of the rain. Maybe he was imagining things. After all, he could feel his foot beginning to swell up, and the pain was making his head feel woozy. Or maybe that was because he’d banged it earlier - or perhaps it was the rain? Whatever the cause, he was finding it difficult to keep his eyes open, and he could feel his head tip forward to rest on Matsukawa’s shoulder. He knew he shouldn’t fall asleep - not here, not like this - and yet he couldn’t help himself. It all felt so familiar, and yet so wrong, like a clock that showed the wrong time, or a book that opened the wrong way. Everything was so…misaligned. He was surrounded by his friends and yet he could hardly call them that anymore. The warmth of the body beneath him somehow seemed hostile, like a wall between them, that they weren’t truly touching, they only seemed to be. A stirring in his gut told him that things would never be the same, that he’d pushed past a turning point there was no going back from. He’d never touch Matsukawa and have it feel right again, he’d never speak to him and not remember those times they’d shouted and cried and yelled, he’d never look at him and not remember how much he’d hurt him. He knew now that there was no going back, not from this, not after everything he’d done to hurt him.

Then again, maybe he was imagining things…or at least somewhere deep inside him - beneath all the hurt and the pain - he truly hoped he was. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've had the dialogue for this scene written out since i started this so why it took me so long to string together i'll never know haha
> 
> i'm sorry its not quite up to standard and a little short <3


End file.
